Two police officers, who are part of a task force, arrive at a cattle ranch.

The officers tell the rancher, “We need to inspect your ranch for illegally-grown drugs.”

The old rancher says, “Okay, but don’t go in that field over there.”

One of the officers verbally explodes saying, “Mister, we have the authority of the state government with us.” 

Reaching into his rear pocket and removing his badge, the agent proudly displays it to the farmer, “See this badge? This badge means we are allowed to go wherever we wish on any land. No questions asked nor answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?”

The old rancher nods politely and goes about his chores. Later, the old rancher hears loud screams and spies the two officers running for their lives and close behind is the rancher’s bull.

With every step the bull is gaining ground on the agents. They are clearly terrified. The old rancher immediately throws down his tools, runs to the fence, and yells at the top of his lungs:

“Your badges! Show him your badges!”

One Liner

So, you drive across town to a gym to walk on a treadmill?

An old wild west fort was about to be attacked. The wily old general sent for his trusty Sioux scout.

“You must use all your thirty years of skill in trying to estimate the sort of army we are up against here.”

The trusty scout laid down and put his ear to the ground.

“Large war party,” he said, “maybe three hundred braves, four chiefs, two on black stallions, two on white stallions. All have war paint; Many many guns. Medicine man also with them.”

“Good grief!” exclaimed the general, “you can tell all of that just by listening to the ground?”

“No,” replied the Indian, “I can see under the gate.”

One Liner

A kiss is a pleasant reminder that two heads are better than one.

A company owner was asked a question, “How do you motivate your employees to be so punctual?”

He smiled & replied, “It’s simple. I have 30 employees and 29 free parking spaces. One is paid parking.”

One Liner

One minute you’re young and fun. Next, you’re turning down the car stereo to see better.

“You just go ahead,” the man in the shopping mall said to his wife. “While you’re shopping, I’ll browse in the hardware store.”

An hour later, she returned and saw him at the checkout counter. The clerk was ringing up the last of a pile of tools and supplies that would fill two wheelbarrows.

“Are you buying all this?” his wife asked incredulously.

“Well, yes,” he said, embarrassed. Then waving his arm toward the interior of the store, he added, “But look at all the stuff I’m leaving behind!”

One Liner

There is a guy stealing iPhones around town. At some point he’s going to face time.

Two factory workers were talking. “I know how to get some time off from work,” said the man.

“How do you think you will do that?” said the other. He proceeded to show her by climbing up to the rafters and hanging upside down.

The boss walked in, saw the worker hanging from the ceiling, and asked him what on earth he was doing?

“I’m a light bulb” answered the guy.

“I think you need some time off,” said the boss. So, the man jumped down and walked out of the factory.

The second worker began walking out too.

The boss asked her where did she think she was going?

“Home. I can’t work in the dark.”

One Liner

Probably nothing in the world arouses more false hopes than the first four hours of a diet.

An old couple is sitting in their living room when the old woman leans over and says to the old man, “Remember when we were younger and you used to hold my hand?”

The old man grabs the old woman’s hand.

Then she says, “Remember when we were younger and you used to put your arm around me?”

The old man puts his arm around the old woman.

Then she says, “Remember when we were younger and you used to nibble on my ear?”

To the old woman’s surprise, the old man gets up off the couch and starts to walk away. “Honey, where are you going?” she says.

The old man replies, “I’m going to get my dentures.”
The old man replies, “I’m going to get my dentures.”

One Liner

I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, ‘Well, that’s not going to happen.’”

A bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. Finally, a reward was  offered for his capture.

An enterprising Texas Ranger decided to track him down.

After a lengthy search, he traced the bandit to his favorite cantina, snuck up behind him, put his trusty six-shooter to the bandit’s head and said, “You’re under arrest. Tell me where you hid the loot or I’ll blow your brains out.”

But the bandit didn’t speak English and the Ranger didn’t speak Spanish! Fortunately, a bilingual lawyer was in the saloon and translated the Ranger’s message.

The terrified bandit blurted out, in Spanish, that the loot was buried under the oak tree in back of the cantina.

“What did he say?” asked the Ranger.

The lawyer answered, “He said, ‘Get lost, you turkey. You wouldn’t dare shoot me.'”

One Liner

I wonder what Facebook employees do to waste time at work?

THE TOP TEN SIGNS YOUR CO-WORKER IS A COMPUTER HACKER

10. You ticked him off once and your next phone bill was for $20,000.

9. He’s won the Publisher’s Clearing House sweepstakes 3 years running.

8. When asked for his phone number, he gives it in hex.

7. Seems strangely calm whenever the office computer network goes down.

6. Somehow gets HBO on his PC at work.

5. Mumbled, “Oh, puh-leeez” 95 times during the movie “The Net.”

4. Massive 401k contribution made in half-cent increments.

3. His video dating profile lists “public-key encryption” among hobbies.

2. When his computer starts up, you hear, “Good Morning, Mr. President.”

1. You hear him murmur, “Let’s see you use that Visa card now, Professor I-Don’t-Give-A’s-In-Computer-Science!”

One Liner

I’ve failed math so many times, I can’t even count.

What is a human resource? Does your organization struggle with the problem of properly fitting people to jobs? Here is a handy hint for ensuring success in job placement:

Take the prospective employees you are trying to place and put them in a room with only a table and two chairs. Leave them alone for two hours, without any instruction. At the end of that time, go back and see what they are doing.

If they have taken the table apart in that time, put them in Engineering.

If they are counting the butts in the ashtray, assign them to Finance.

If they are screaming and waving their arms, send them to Manufacturing.

If they are talking to the chairs, Personnel is a good spot for them.

If they are sleeping, they are Management material.

If they are writing up the experience, send them to Technical Publications.

If they don’t even look up when you enter the room, assign them to Security.

If they try to tell you it’s not as bad as it looks, send them to Marketing.

And if they’ve left early, put them in Sales.

One Liner

If money talks, why won’t it have a conversation with me??

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

> The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
> The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke
> The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
> The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

> The first worm in alcohol – Dead
> The second worm in cigarette smoke – Dead
> Third worm in chocolate syrup – Dead
> Fourth worm in good clean soil – Alive

So the minister asked the congregation, “What can you learn from this demonstration?”

Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said, “As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won’t have worms!”

That pretty much ended the service.

One Liner

Instead of a sign that says “Do Not Disturb”, I need one that says “Already Disturbed, Proceed With Caution”.