While sitting at a counter having doughnuts and coffee at a ‘quick stop’ service station, two brothers were startled to see a man step up to the cashier, holding a gun and demanding all his money. Not being satisfied with that, he made all the customers line up and proceeded to take all their valuables: watches, billfolds, etc.

As he made his way from person to person in the line, the two brothers stood waiting at the end of the line. One brother carefully reached into his pocket, pulling out some cash and slipping it into his brother’s hand.

“What’s that?” his brother whispered.

“That’s the $20 I owe you.” he replied.

One Liner
I like elephants. Everything else is irrelephant.

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ACTUAL ELEMENTARY SCHOOL EXCUSE NOTES

* “Jerry was at his grandmother’s yesterday, and she did not bring him to school because Jerry couldn’t remember where the school was.”

* “Ronnie would not finish his work last night. He said his brain was too tired of spelling.”

* “Eric hurt his knee in a karate tournament over the weekend. He won his age group, but was in too much pain to do his math assignment.”

* “Amy did not do her homework last night because we went out to a party and did not get home until late. If she is tired, please let her sleep during recess time.”

* “Henry stayed home because he had a stomach ache from eating too much frosting.”

* “It was my fault Mike did not do his math homework last night. His pencil broke and we do not have a pencil sharpener at home.”

* “Scott didn’t practice last night because he lost his tooth in the mouthpiece of his trumpet.”

* “Diane was late on Wednesday. She fell asleep on the bus and was taken back to the bus yard.”

* “Cody was absent yesterday because we were out bowling until 2 AM.”

* “Tommy wasn’t in school yesterday because he thought it was Saturday.”

One Liner
I swear the me that buys groceries and the me that actually cooks are two entirely different people.

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One Sunday morning when my son, David, was about 5, we were attending a church in our community. It was common for the preacher to invite the children to the front of the church and have a small lesson before beginning the sermon. He would bring in an item they could find around the house and relate it to a teaching from the Bible.

This particular morning, the visual aid for his lesson was a smoke detector. He asked the children if anyone knew what it meant when an alarm sounded from the smoke detector.

My child immediately raised his hand and said, “It means Daddy’s cooking dinner.”

One Liner
I have a severe nonlinear waterfowl issue! (I don’t have all my ducks in a row.)

Rebecca said to her husband, “Do you know the neighbor’s daughter scored a 99 on her math exam?”

Her husband Tom, sipping his tea, remarked, “Really? What happened to the remaining 1 point?”

Rebecca replied sarcastically, “Your son scored it.”

One Liner
You know you’re getting older when you begin to realize that your parents were right, after all.

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DONE FOR YOU DIGITAL BUSINESS SYSTEM …..
This is exactly how beginners are making $600+

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What’s inside?
+ A high-converting storefront that’s branded to you
+ A funnel built to CONVERT, & nurture cold leads and close them
 + Automated lead-gen tools (like comment triggers + follow-ups)

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Jacob, age 85, and Rebecca, age 79, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding. On the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests that they go in. He addresses the man behind the counter:

“Are you the owner?”
The pharmacist answers, “Yes.”

Jacob: “Do you sell heart medication?”
Pharmacist: “Of course we do.”

Jacob: “How about medicine for circulation?”
Pharmacist: “All kinds.”

Jacob: “Medicine for rheumatism?”
Pharmacist: “Definitely.”

Jacob: “How about Viagra?”
Pharmacist: “Of course.”

Jacob: “Medicine for memory?”
Pharmacist: “Yes, a large variety.”

Jacob: “What about vitamins and sleeping pills?”
Pharmacist: “Absolutely.”

Jacob: “Perfect! We’d like to register here for our wedding gifts.”

One Liner
I pulled a muscle digging for gold. No worries though, it’s just a miner injury.

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Mary announced that she was going to start a diet to lose some pounds she had put on recently.

“Great,” Sue exclaimed. “I’m ready to start a diet too. We can be dieting buddies and help each other out. And when I feel the urge to drive out and get a burger and fries, I’ll call you first.”

“Wonderful,” Mary replied. “I’ll go with you.”

One Liner
A large stack of toilet paper fell on me in the supermarket. I’m okay, though, just some soft tissue damage.

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This is exactly how beginners are making $600+

This system was engineered for beginners who are ready to start fast and scale with purpose… and for burnt out digital marketers who are done with the hustle.

What’s inside?
+ A high-converting storefront that’s branded to you
+ A funnel built to CONVERT, & nurture cold leads and close them
 + Automated lead-gen tools (like comment triggers + follow-ups)

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KIDS’ LETTERS TO PASTORS

Please say in your sermon that Peter Peterson has been a good boy all week. I am Peter Peterson.  Pete, Age 9, Phoenix

I’m sorry I can’t leave more money in the plate, but my father didn’t give me a raise in my allowance. Could you have a sermon about a raise in my allowance?  Patty, Age 10, New Haven

I think a lot more people would come to your church if you moved it to Disneyland.  Loreen, Age 9, Tacoma

Please pray for all the airline pilots. I am flying to California tomorrow.  Laurie, Age 10, New York City

Please say a prayer for our Little League team. We need God’s help or a new pitcher. Thank you.  Alexander, Age 10, Raleigh

My father says I should learn the Ten Commandments. But I don’t think I want to because we have enough rules already in my house.  Joshua, Age 10, South Pasadena

Who does God pray to? Is there a God for God?  Christopher, Age 9, Titusville

Are there any devils on earth? I think there may be one in my class.  Carla, Age 10, Salina

One Liner
I thought I was a good person, but the way I react when people drive slowly in the left lane would suggest otherwise.

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The trial went on for 4 weeks with testimony by both sides. Finally, the jury retired to determine the verdict.

After 2 days the jury had reached a decision to acquit the prisoner.

Judge: “What possible reason could you have for acquitting the prisoner?”

Foreman: “Insanity, sir.”

Judge: “What, all twelve of you?”

One Liner
I can’t remember the name of my homing pigeon but I’m sure it’ll come back to me.

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