A big, burly man visited his pastor’s home and asked to see the minister’s wife, a woman well known for her charitable impulses.

“Madam,” he said in a broken voice, “I wish to draw your attention to the terrible plight of a poor family in this district. The father of the family is dead, the mother is too ill to work, and the nine children are starving. They are about to be turned into the cold, empty streets unless someone pays their rent, which amounts to $400.”

“How terrible!” exclaimed the preacher’s wife. “May I ask who you are?”

They sympathetic visitor applied his handkerchief to his eyes. “I’m the landlord,” he sobbed.

One Liner
I just got a present labeled, “From Mom and Dad,” and you know for sure that Dad has no idea what’s inside.

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The Sunday school lesson for the day was about Noah’s Ark, so the preschool teacher in church decided to get her small pupils involved by playing a game in which they identified animals.

“I’m going to describe something to you. Let’s see if you can guess what it is. First: I’m furry with a bushy tail and I like to climb trees.”

The children looked at her blankly.

“I also like to eat nuts, especially acorns.”

No response. This wasn’t going well at all!

“I’m usually brown or grey, but sometimes I can be black or red.”

Desperate, the teacher turned to a perky four-year-old who was usually good about coming up with the answers.

“Michelle, what do you think?”

Michelle looked hesitantly at her classmates and replied, “Well, I know the answer has to be Jesus — but it sure sounds like a squirrel to me!”

One Liner
If your eyes hurt after you drink coffee, take the spoon out of the cup.

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My husband, Ray, was attempting to build a patio for the first time. He bought 100 cement blocks. Laying them out in a pattern, he discovered the chosen area was too small.

He stacked the blocks against the house and cleared more space. The next day Ray put the cement blocks back down, only to find that the ground was too hard to keep the patio level.

He ordered a truckload of sand to be delivered the following morning. Again he stacked the 100 blocks against the house.

Observing all this, our next-door neighbor asked, “Ray, are you going to put your patio away every night?”

One Liner
I avoid stairs. They’re always up to something.

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An older man is on the operating table awaiting surgery. He has insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. He is about to receive the anesthesia when he asks to speak to his son.

“Yes, Dad, what is it?”

“Don’t be nervous, do your best, and just remember, if it doesn’t go well, if something happens to me, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife.”

>>>Today’s Thot

Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.

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One day my mother was out and my dad was looking after me.

I was maybe 2 1/2 years old and had just recovered from a bad cold. Someone had given me a little tea set as a get-well gift and it was one of my favorite toys.

Dad was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought Daddy a little cup of “tea,” which was just water.  After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such good tea, my mom came home.

Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea. (“It’s just the cutest thing!”) My mom waited and sure enough, I came down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy. She watched him drink it, then said (as only a mother would)…”Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is from the toilet?”

One Liner
On HGTV, people can flip a whole house in a month. Meanwhile, I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for a week now.

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A little girl was watching her daddy repair his tractor.

She asked her mother, “What happens to old tractors when they finally stop working?”

Sighing, her mother answered: “Someone sells them to your father, dear.”

One Liner
My granddad always said, “When one door closes, another door opens.” Lovely man. Terrible cabinet maker.

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+ A funnel built to CONVERT, & nurture cold leads and close them
 + Automated lead-gen tools (like comment triggers + follow-ups)

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Him: “Since Mr. Wilson has lost his money, half his friends don’t know him anymore.”

Her: “And the other half?”

Him: “They don’t know yet that he’s lost his money.”

One Liner
It’s my first week working at the bicycle factory and they already made me a spokesperson.

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Membership is simple. Click Here to find out more.