Most of us have a bad habit we are constantly trying to break. For me, it’s biting my fingernails.

One day I told my husband about my latest solution: press-on nails.

“Great Idea, Honey,” he smiled. “You can eat them straight out of the box.”

One Liner

I was addicted to the Hokey Pokey but I turned myself around.

Kathryn’s 5-year-old developed a strong interest in spelling once she learned to spell STOP. After that, she tried to figure out her own words. From the back seat of the car she’d ask, “Mom, what does FGRPL spell?”

“Nothing,” Kathryn said.

Sitting at breakfast she’d suddenly ask, “Mom, what does DOEB spell?”

“Nothing,” Kathryn answered.

This went on for several weeks. Then one afternoon as they sat coloring in her room she asked, “Mom, what does LMDZ spell?”

Kathryn smiled at her and said, “Nothing, sweetheart.”

The 5-year-old carefully set down her crayon, sighed and said, “Boy, there sure are a lot of ways to spell Nothing!”

One Liner

I ate a clock yesterday. It was very time consuming.

A waiter brings the customer his dinner, with his thumb firmly clamped on the steak.

“Are you crazy?” yells the customer. “Don’t bring my food with your hand all over it!”

“What,” answers the waiter, “you want it to fall on the floor again?”

One Liner

Double Bogie: “Casablanca” followed by “African Queen”

YOU KNOW YOU’VE HAD TOO MUCH COFFEE WHEN…

* You can type sixty words a minute with your feet.
* Instant coffee takes too long.
* You chew on other people’s fingernails.
* You answer the door, before people knock.
* You sleep with your eyes open.
* You go to sleep, just so you can wake up and smell the coffee.
* You don’t even wait for the water to boil anymore.
* You’re the employee of the month at Starbucks – and you don’t even work there.
* You help your dog chase its tail.
* You lick your coffeepot clean.
* You’re so wired you pick up FM radio.
* You have a picture of your coffee mug, on your coffee mug.

One Liner

A perfectionist is someone who takes great pains, and gives them to everyone else.

One Sunday after church Mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson was about.

Her daughter answered, “Don’t be scared, you’ll get your quilts.”  Needless to say, Mom was perplexed.

Later in the day, the Pastor stopped by for tea.  Mom asked him what that morning’s Sunday school lesson was about.

He said, “Be not afraid, Thy comforter is coming.”

One Liner

Ever feel like life is a car wash and you’re on a bicycle?

Grown-up: “What do you want for your birthday this year?”

Kid: “I’d like a little brother.”

Grown-up: “Oh my, that’s a big wish!  Why do you want a little brother?”

Kid: “Well, there’s only so much I can blame on the dog.”

One Liner

I got a call from a scammer who said, “I’ve got all of your passwords.”
I said, “Great. What are they? I’ll grab a pen.”

The school of agriculture’s dean of admissions was interviewing a prospective student, “Why have you chosen this career?” he asked.

“I dream of making a million dollars in farming, like my father,” the student replied.

“Your father made a million dollars in farming?” echoed the dean much impressed.

“No,” replied the applicant. “But he always dreamed of it.”

One Liner

You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus? But it’s Sunday. And you’re 46.

For centuries, people thought the moon was made of green cheese.

Then the astronauts found that the moon is really a big hard rock.

That’s what happens to cheese when you leave it out.

One Liner

I’m gonna be as useless at the “g” in lasagna today.