There was a Super Bowl football game between the big animals and the little animals. The big animals were crushing little animals. At half time the coach made a passionate speech to rally the little animals.

At the start of the second half the big animals had the ball. The first play, the elephant got stopped for no gain. The second play, the rhino was stopped for no gain. On third down, the hippo was thrown for a 5 yard loss.

The defense huddled around the coach and he asked excitedly, “Who stopped the elephant?”

“I did,” said the centipede.

“Who stopped the rhino?”

“Uh, that was me too,” said the centipede.

“And how about the hippo? Who hit him for a 5 yard loss?”

“That was me as well,” said the centipede.

“SO WHERE WERE YOU THE FIRST HALF?” demanded the coach.

“Well,” replied the centipede, “I was having my ankles taped.”

One Liner
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The teacher’s first graders were discussing a picture of a family. One little boy in the picture had a different hair color than the other members. One of her students suggested that he was adopted.

A little girl said, “I know all about adoption; I was adopted.”

“What does it mean to be adopted?”, asked another child

“It means”, said the girl, “that you grew in your mommy’s heart instead of her tummy!”

One Liner
A mother touches a whole generation by loving her own child well.

Tom tried to calm himself down in the middle of a severe argument with his wife Janey. He said to her, “Let us not fight any more. We should try to sort this out in a level-headed manner.”

Fuming with anger, Janey replied, “No. Whenever we try to sort things out in a level-headed manner, I lose!”

One Liner
What’s the greatest worldwide use of cowhide? To hold cows together.

A businessman had a tiring day on the road. He checked into a hotel and, because he was concerned that the restaurant might close soon, left his luggage at the front desk and went immediately to eat.

After a leisurely dinner, he reclaimed his luggage and realized that he had forgotten his room number. He went back to the desk and told the clerk on duty, “My name is Henry Davis, can you please tell me what room I am in?”

“Certainly,” said the clerk. “You’re in the lobby.”

One Liner
You didn’t drop that thing; you abandoned it to the unchecked forces of gravity.

An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. “You don’t want to try these techniques at home.”

“Why not?” asked somebody from the audience.

“I watched my wife’s routine at breakfast for years,” the expert explained.

“She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, ‘Hon, why don’t you try carrying several things at once?'”

“Did it save time?” the guy in the audience asked.

“Actually, yes,” replied the expert. “It used to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in seven.”

One Liner
Don’t worry about getting older, you’re still gonna do dumb stuff, just slower.