Shortly after the birth of their second child, a husband offered to take his wife shopping for a new dress. He endured more than two hours of listening to her complaints about which figure flaw each dress accentuated.

As she emerged from the dressing room, having tried on the last selection, she asked for her husband’s opinion. By this time he had learned just the right things to say. “It’s perfect!” he exclaimed. “It makes your waist look smaller, your legs look longer, and slenderizes your hips.”

Just then another lady in the dressing room spoke out. “If there is a dress here that will do that, I’ll buy them all!”

One Liner
The way to achieve inner peace is to finish the things we have started. Today I finished a Krispy Kreme, 2 bags of potato chips and a chocolate cake. I feel better already…

Some neighbors of my grandparents gave them a pumpkin pie as a gift. As lovely as the gesture was, it was clear from the first bite that the pie tasted bad. In fact, it was so inedible that my grandmother had to throw it away.

Ever gracious and tactful, my grandmother still felt obliged to send the neighbors a note. It read, “Thank you very much for the pumpkin pie. Something like that doesn’t last very long in our house.”

One Liner
This is my step-ladder. I never knew my real ladder.

Jeff had gone to propose to his girlfriend and returned home crying bitterly. “What happened, son?” his father asked, eagerly awaiting her response. “Did she accept?”

“No, she sure didn’t,” sobbed Jeff. “When I told her what you advised me to say, she slapped my face and told me to get out.”

“Did you begin by telling her what I told you to say, what I told your mother when she accepted my proposal? ‘Sweetheart, time stands still when I look in your eyes.’ Did you tell her that?” asked his father.

“Oh boy, Dad, did I got it all wrong,” Jeff groaned. “I said, ‘My dear, you have a face that would stop a clock!'”

One Liner
My lawn is chicken proof. It’s impeccable. 

Two men crash into each other at an intersection. The first man steps out of his wrecked car screaming, “You rotten driver, you wrecked my Mercedes! I’m a lawyer, and I’m going to sue you for everything you have!”

The other man responds, “You lawyers only care about money, you don’t even realize you just lost an arm.”

The lawyer looks down where his arm should be and yells “Where’s my Rolex!”

One Liner
It’s frightening to wake up one morning and discover that while you were asleep you went out of style.

GOOD NEWS AND BAD NEWS FOR A PASTOR

Good News: The Women’s Guild voted to send you a get-well card. 
Bad News: The vote passed 31-30.

Good News: The Elder Board accepted your job description the way you wrote it. 
Bad News: They were so inspired by it, they also formed a search committee to find somebody capable of filling the position.

Good News: You finally found a choir director who approaches things exactly the same way you do. 
Bad News: The choir mutinied.

Good News: The trustees finally voted to add more church parking. 
Bad News: They are going to blacktop the front lawn of your parsonage.

Good News: Church attendance rose dramatically the last three weeks. 
Bad News: You were on vacation.

Good News: Your biggest critic just left your church. 
Bad News: She has been appointed the District Supervisor of your denomination’s region.

Good News: The youth in your church come to your house for a surprise visit. 
Bad News: It’s in the middle of the night and they’re armed with toilet paper and shaving cream.

One Liner
My friend Joe recently went on the Dolly Parton diet. It made Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean!

An author decided to write a book about churches around the country. He started by flying to San Francisco and worked east from there. Going to the first church, he began taking photographs and making notes. He spotted a golden telephone on the vestibule wall and was intrigued with a sign which read “$10,000 a minute.” 

Seeking out the pastor he asked about the phone. The pastor answered that this golden phone is, in fact, a direct line to Heaven and if he pays the price he can talk directly to God. 

The man thanked the pastor and continued on his way. As he continued to visit churches in Seattle, Denver, Green Bay, Chicago, Milwaukee, and all around the United States, he found more of the same phone with the same sign and got the same answer from each pastor.

Then he arrived in his last state, Texas. Upon entering a church in Fort Worth, behold, he saw the usual golden telephone. BUT this time, the sign read “Calls: 25 cents.” Fascinated, he asked to talk to the pastor. 

“Reverend, I have been in cities all across the country and in each church, I’ve found this golden telephone and have been told it’s a direct line to Heaven and that I could talk to God. But, in the other churches the cost was $10,000 a minute. Your sign reads 25 cents a call. Why?” 

The pastor, smiling, replied, “Son, you’re in Texas now. This is God’s country and it’s a local call.”

One Liner
“Vacation” is when you get away from it all. Then you come back to find that “it all” is just waiting patiently on your desk.

My neighbor banged on the wall at 4:30 am this morning! Can you believe it??

Lucky I was awake listening to music.

They banged and shouted, “Can we have a little respect please?”

I shouted back, “I’m not a big Aretha Franklin fan but this one’s for you!”

One Liner
Don’t bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head. That’ll freak you right out.