AN OLD FARMER’S ADVICE, Part 2

~ Don’t judge folks by their relatives.
~ Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
~ Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you’ll enjoy it a second time.
~ Don’t interfere with somethin’ that ain’t botherin’ you none.
~ If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin’.
~ Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.
~ The biggest troublemaker you’ll probably ever have to deal with watches you from the mirror every mornin’.
~ Always drink upstream from the herd.
~ Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.
~ Lettin’ the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin’ it back in.
~ If you get to thinkin’ you’re a person of some influence, try orderin’ somebody else’s dog around.

One Liner
Did you hear they arrested the devil? Yeah, they got him on possession.

AN OLD FARMER’S ADVICE, Part 1

~ Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.
~ Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.
~ A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.
~ Words that soak into your ears are whispered…not yelled.
~ Meanness don’t jes’ happen overnight.
~ Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads.
~ Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.
~ It don’t take a very big person to carry a grudge.
~ You cannot unsay a cruel word.
~ Every path has a few puddles.
~ When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.
~ The best sermons are lived, not preached.
~ Most of the stuff people worry about ain’t never gonna happen anyway.

One Liner
It only takes one therapist to change a lightbulb but it must want to change.

I was teaching my Grade 1 class to tell time using a conventional analog clock. “We’ll be learning about the hour hand and the minute hand,” I explained.

One of the students interrupted and said, “I don’t need to learn on that kind of clock. My dad bought me this digital watch, and right now it’s ten minutes to 38.”

One Liner
Despite what some people think, since the world is 71% water that is NOT carbonated, one could accurately say that it’s technically flat.

One of my co-workers got a speeding ticket and was attending a defensive-driving course to have points erased from his license. The instructor, a police officer, emphasized that being on time was crucial and that the classroom doors would be locked when each session began.

Just after one class started, someone knocked on the locked door. The officer opened it and asked, “Why are you late?”

The student replied, “I was trying not to get another ticket.”

The officer let him in.

One Liner
I’ve got stained glass windows in our house. Stupid pigeons.

Everyone knows I’m a stickler for good spelling. So when an associate emailed technical documents asking me to “decifer” them, I had to set him straight.

“Decipher is spelled with a ph, not an f,” I wrote. “In case you’ve forgotten, spell-checker comes free with your Microsoft program.”

A minute later came his reply, “Must be dephective.”

One Liner

The inventor of the doorbell did not own a dog.

People who do lots of work …  make lots of mistakes.

People who do less work …  make less mistakes.

People who do no work …  make no mistakes.

People who make no mistakes …  get promoted.

So that’s why I spend my time sending funny e-mails at work.  I want a promotion

One Liner
What has 5 fingers and is not your hand? My hand.

Three couples decided to meet at a local diner for breakfast and while they were eating the the first husband looks lovingly at his wife and said to her, “Please pass the the honey, honey.”  Well the second husband things to himself I cannot I need to step up his game so he he looks at his wife and said, “Please pass the sugar, sugar.”

The third husband starts to panic because he needs to hit his comment out of the park.  So he holds his wife’s hands and looks romantically into her eyes and says, “Please pass the tea…bag.  AND that’s when the fight started.

One Liner
The officer said, “You drinking?” I said, “You buying?” We just laughed and laughed…I need bail money.

In Washington D.C., helicopters are often used to monitor the traffic
conditions.

Frequently jammed is the Francis Scott Key bridge, named after the man who
wrote the national anthem.

The bridge’s traffic problem is notorious; among some, it’s known as the Car
Strangled Spanner.

One Liner
If you get an email with the subject “Knock Knock,” don’t open it. It’s a
Jehovah Witness working from home.