One of my co-workers got a speeding ticket and was attending a defensive-driving course to have points erased from his license. The instructor, a police officer, emphasized that being on time was crucial and that the classroom doors would be locked when each session began.

Just after one class started, someone knocked on the locked door. The officer opened it and asked, “Why are you late?”

The student replied, “I was trying not to get another ticket.”

The officer let him in.

One Liner
I’ve got stained glass windows in our house. Stupid pigeons.

Everyone knows I’m a stickler for good spelling. So when an associate emailed technical documents asking me to “decifer” them, I had to set him straight.

“Decipher is spelled with a ph, not an f,” I wrote. “In case you’ve forgotten, spell-checker comes free with your Microsoft program.”

A minute later came his reply, “Must be dephective.”

One Liner

The inventor of the doorbell did not own a dog.

People who do lots of work …  make lots of mistakes.

People who do less work …  make less mistakes.

People who do no work …  make no mistakes.

People who make no mistakes …  get promoted.

So that’s why I spend my time sending funny e-mails at work.  I want a promotion

One Liner
What has 5 fingers and is not your hand? My hand.

Three couples decided to meet at a local diner for breakfast and while they were eating the the first husband looks lovingly at his wife and said to her, “Please pass the the honey, honey.”  Well the second husband things to himself I cannot I need to step up his game so he he looks at his wife and said, “Please pass the sugar, sugar.”

The third husband starts to panic because he needs to hit his comment out of the park.  So he holds his wife’s hands and looks romantically into her eyes and says, “Please pass the tea…bag.  AND that’s when the fight started.

One Liner
The officer said, “You drinking?” I said, “You buying?” We just laughed and laughed…I need bail money.

In Washington D.C., helicopters are often used to monitor the traffic
conditions.

Frequently jammed is the Francis Scott Key bridge, named after the man who
wrote the national anthem.

The bridge’s traffic problem is notorious; among some, it’s known as the Car
Strangled Spanner.

One Liner
If you get an email with the subject “Knock Knock,” don’t open it. It’s a
Jehovah Witness working from home.

We had built our dream house some years ago, and furnished it with quality pieces as we could afford them. Now the delivery truck carrying the last purchase, a new bedroom suite, was pulling into the driveway.

“Finally!” I exclaimed, flinging open the front door as the driver walked up to the house. “I’ve been waiting twelve years for this!”

“Don’t blame me, lady,” he said. “I just got the order this morning.”

One Liner
I just finished a 10-week course with my speech therapist and I can’t say thank you enough.

The young couple invited their elderly pastor for Sunday dinner.  While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their son what they were having.

“Goat,” the little boy replied.

“Goat?” replied the startled man of the cloth, “Are you sure about that?”

“Yep,” said the youngster.  “I heard Dad say to Mom, ‘Today is just as good as any to have the old goat for dinner.'”

One Liner

I will no longer be “growing old,” I’ll be “going for a high score.” Who’s with me?

A state trooper stopped a Congressman for going 15 miles over the speed limit. 

After he handed him a ticket, the Congressman asked, “Don’t you give out warnings?”

“Yes, sir,” he replied. “They’re all up and down the road. They say, ‘Speed Limit 65.'”

One Liner
Purchase only that what you need, not what you greed.