As we were putting out cookies for Santa on Christmas Eve, I accidentally dropped one. “No problem,” I said, picking it up and dusting it off before placing it back on the plate.
“You can’t do that,” argued my four-year-old.
“Don’t worry. Santa will never know.”
He shot me a look. “So he knows if I’ve been bad or good, but he doesn’t know if you dropped a cookie on the floor?”
One Liner
Why do seagulls fly over the ocean?
Because if they flew over the bay, we’d call them bagels!
Son: I watched a guy do 50 push-ups in a row. Can you do that, Dad?
Dad: Of course, son. I could probably even watch someone do 100 push ups.
One Liner
My dog will eat anything…until you put a pill in it. Then he’s Gordon Ramsey.
A man is visiting his adult children to celebrate Christmas. When he walks into the house, he sees a beautiful nativity set.
His granddaughter walks up to him, and he asks her if she knows what it is.
She replies, “Yes, it’s breakable.”
One Liner
Christmas is weird. What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?
Top 10 Things To Say About A Holiday Gift You Don’t Like
10. Hey! There’s a gift.
9. Well, well, well…
8. Boy, if I had not recently shot up 4 sizes, that would’ve fit.
7. Perfect for wearing in the basement.
6. Wow, I hope this never catches fire!
5. If the dog buries it, I’ll be furious!
4. I love it, but I fear the jealousy it will inspire.
3. Sadly, tomorrow I enter the federal witness protection program.
2. To think I got this the year I vowed to give all my gifts to charity.
1. I really don’t deserve this.
One Liner
Judging by my December budget, I’ll only be giving hugs for Christmas.
PARENT’S DICTIONARY
Bottle feeding: An opportunity for Dad to get up at 2 a.m. also.
Defense: What you’d better have around de yard if you’re going to let the children play outside.
Dumbwaiter: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.
Family planning: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.
Feedback: The inevitable result when the baby doesn’t appreciate the strained carrots.
Grandparents: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they’re sure you’re not raising them right.
Hearsay: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.
Impregnable: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.
Independent: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.
Puddle: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.
Show off: A child who is more talented than yours.
Sterilize: What you do to your first baby’s pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby’s pacifier by blowing on it.
Storeroom: The distance required between the supermarket aisles so that children in shopping carts can’t quite reach anything.
Temper tantrums: What you should keep to a minimum so as to not upset the children.
Top bunk: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.
Two-minute warning: When the baby’s face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.
One Liner
The most expensive vehicle to operate, by far, is the Costco shopping cart.
A speeding motorist was caught by radar from a police helicopter in the sky. An officer pulled him over and began to issue a traffic ticket.
“It seems everyone is out to get me lately. How did you know I was speeding?” the frustrated driver asked.
The police officer pointed somberly toward the sky.
“You mean,” asked the motorist, “that I’m not just being paranoid? Even *He* is trying to get me?”
One Liner
I once swallowed a book of synonyms. It gave me the thesaurus throat I’ve ever had!
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