During a church service, the priest called for a moment of silence to remember the faithful dead.

The church grew quiet, except for a little boy who turned to his father and piped, “Dad, you have some of their albums!”

One Liner

Some people are like blisters. They don’t show up until the work is done.

Three aspiring psychiatrists were attending their first class on emotional extremes.

“Just to establish some parameters,” said the professor to the student from Arkansas, “What is the opposite of joy?”

“Sadness,” said the student.

“And the opposite of depression?” he asked of the young lady from Oklahoma.

“Elation,” she said.

“And you sir,” he said to the young man from Texas, “How about the opposite of woe?”

The Texan replied, “Sir, I believe that would be giddy up.”

One Liner

With all this rain, we need an ark. Fear not! (Wait for it.) I Noah guy.

A foursome of senior golfers hit the course with waning enthusiasm for the sport.

“These hills are getting steeper as the years go by,” one complained.

“These fairways seem to be getting longer too,” wheezed a second.

“And somehow, the sand traps seem to be bigger than I remember ’em too,” said the third.

Hearing just about enough from his buddies, the oldest – and the wisest of the foursome at 87-years-old – piped up and said, “Oh my friends, just be thankful we’re still on THIS side of the grass!”

One Liner

Sometimes I shock myself with the stuff I say and do. Other times, I try to get out of the car with my seat belt on.

There on the window sill was a little boy and his cat. 

The boy’s mother came to see what they were doing, and she heard the little boy preaching God’s word to his cat. So she went about her chores. 

Later she heard the cat fussing, so she went to see what was going on. The little boy had the cat in their kitchen sink full of water.  The mother told him that cats don’t like water. The boy sharply replied, “He should’ve thought of that before she joined the church!”

One Liner

To measure the quality of puns, you much use a sighsmograph.

It was my wife’s birthday and she rang me to see what time I would be home.

“Can’t talk,” I said, “I’m driving.”

“Where are you?” she asked.

She wasn’t happy when I said the 7th tee.

One Liner

Sign: Frog Parking Only. All others will be toad.

THINGS GOD WON’T ASK

~ God won’t ask what kind of car you drove, He’ll ask how many people you drove who didn’t have transportation.

~ God won’t ask the square footage of your house, He’ll ask how many people you welcomed into your home.

~ God won’t ask about the clothes you had in your closet, He’ll ask how many you helped to clothe.

~ God won’t ask what your highest salary was, He’ll ask if you compromised your character to obtain it.

~ God won’t ask what your job title was, He’ll ask if you performed your job to the best of our ability.

~ God won’t ask how many friends you had, He’ll ask how many people to whom you were a friend.

~ God won’t ask in what neighborhood you lived, He’ll ask how you treated your neighbors.

~ God won’t ask about the color of your skin, He’ll ask about the content of your character.

One Liner

Christians are like tea – their strength is drawn out by hot water.

Little Johnny’s teacher asked the students what they want to be in the future. Laurie says she wants to be a doctor.

Karen says she wanted to be a police officer and Susie says she wanted to be a rich and famous actress and model.

When the teacher asked Johnny what he wanted to do, he said, “I want to marry Susie.”

One Liner

You let them Shanan once, they’ll Shenanigan.