A man goes skydiving for the first time.

After listening to the instructor for what seems like days, he is ready to go. Excited, he jumps out of the plane. After a bit, he pulls the ripcord. Nothing happens. He tries again. Still nothing. He starts to panic, but remembers his back-up chute. He pulls that cord. Nothing happens. He frantically begins pulling both cords, but to no avail.

Suddenly, he looks down and he can’t believe his eyes. Another man is in the air with him, but this guy is going *up*! Just as the other guy passes by, the skydiver — by this time scared out of his wits — yells,

“Hey, do you know anything about skydiving?”

The other guy yells back, “No! Do you know anything about gas stoves?”

One Liner

Sweat is nature’s way of saying your muscles are crying.

Doctor: Are you still taking the cough medicine I gave you?

Patient: No, I tasted it and decided I’d rather have the cough.

One Liner

The union workers at the Federal Mint went on strike today. They are demanding to make less money!

“What’s your father’s occupation?” asked the school secretary on the first day of the new academic year.

“He’s a magician, Ma’am” said Little Johnny.

“How interesting. What’s his favorite trick?”

“He saws people in half.”

“Wow! Now, next question. Any brothers or sisters?”

“One half brother and two half sisters.”

One Liner

The fact that Arkansas and Kansas are pronounced differently bothers me way more than it should.

A young clergyman, fresh out of seminary, thought it would help him better understand the world if he served as a policeman for a while before taking on a congregation.

He studied hard and passed the exams; worked himself buff to pass the physical; and then came the all-important final interview.

One question was: “What would you do to disperse a frenzied crowd?”  He promptly responded, “I would pass an offering plate.”

He got the job.

One Liner

I heard the word “icy” was easy to spell. Looking at it now I can see why.

A researcher arrives in Borneo to gather data for his thesis. Accompanied by his trusty guide, he seeks out a very remote locale for researching the behavior of the giant rat of Sumatra.

Around dusk of the first day, he’s sitting by the campfire with his guide when in the distance, he hears tribal drums. They get louder. The guide announces, “I don’t like the sound of those drums.”

Dusk turns to evening. The drums get louder. The guide says, “I really don’t like the sound of those drums.”

Evening turns to dead of night. The drums get louder and louder, until it is obvious that the drummers must be quite close. The guide hollers this time, “I really don’t like the sound of those drums.”

Suddenly the drums stop, and a voice from the darkness cries out, “Hey man, he’s not our regular drummer!”

One Liner

Money won’t buy happiness but it will pay for a large staff to study the problem.

The preacher had just finished his sermon. He sat down with his wife and she asked him how he thought the church service went.

The preacher shrugged and said, “The music was excellent, and I think the prayer and communion times went quite well, but,” he continued, “I just don’t think the sermon ever got off the ground.”

The wife looked over at him, and before she could stop herself, she said, “Well, it sure did taxi long enough.”

One Liner

One good thing about being wrong is the joy it brings to others.

TOP 12 THINGS NOT TO SAY TO A COP

1. I can’t reach my license unless you hold my beer.

2. Sorry, Officer, I didn’t realize my radar detector wasn’t plugged in.

3. Aren’t you the guy from the Village People?

4. Hey, you must’ve been doin’ about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!

5. Are you Andy or Barney?

6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.

7. You’re not gonna check the trunk are you?

8. I pay your salary!

9. Gee, Officer! That’s terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning too!

10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That’s how far ahead of me they are.

12. When the officer says, “Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?” You probably shouldn’t respond with, “Officer your eyes looked glazed, have you been eating donuts?”

One Liner

Earlier today I saw a bumper sticker that said, “I’m a veterinarian, therefore I can drive like an animal.” Suddenly I realized how many proctologists are on the roads.

These comments by police officers were taken off actual police car videos around the country. Thank goodness, in spite of the perils of the job, they still have a since of humor…

> “You know, stop lights don’t come any redder than the one you just went through.”

> “Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they’re new. They’ll stretch after you wear them a while.”

> “If you run, you’ll only go to jail tired.”

> “You don’t know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?”

> “Yes sir, you can talk to the Shift Supervisor, but I don’t think it will help.  Oh, did I mention that I’m the Shift Supervisor?”

> “Warning! You want a warning? Okay, I’m warning you not to do that again or I’ll give you another ticket.”

> “The answer to this last question will determine whether you are a drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?”

> “Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs, and step in monkey doodoo.’

> “Yea, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.”

> “How big were those ‘two beers’ you said you had?”

> “I’m glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours, so you know someone who can post your bail.”

> “You didn’t think we give pretty women tickets? You’re right, we don’t. Sign here.”

One Liner

Karaoke bars combine two great evils: People who shouldn’t drink and people who shouldn’t sing.