SIGNS YOU’RE OVERDOING THANKSGIVING

~ Doctor tells you your weight would be perfect for a man 17 feet tall.

~ You are responsible for a slight but measurable shift in the earth’s axis.

~ You have five TV sets side-by-side to catch all the football games.

~ You spill more food on you than the local soup kitchen dispenses.

~ Paramedics bring in the Jaws of Life to pry you out of the EZ-Boy.

~ You set off 3 earthquake seismographs on your morning jog Friday.

~ Pricking your finger for cholesterol screening only yielded gravy.

~ Representatives from the Butterball Hall of Fame called twice.

~ Your arms are too short to reach the keyboard and delete this.

One Liner

Thanksgiving is the only holiday you deep-fry the mascot.

A guy bought a new fridge. He put the old fridge in his front yard with a sign saying: “Free to good home, You want it — you take it.”   

For three days the fridge sat there. So he changed the sign to read: “Fridge for sale $50.”

The next day someone stole it. 

One Liner

Did you hear the one about the woman who threw her toaster away because it kept burning the bread? She was black toast intolerant.

A man entered a pet shop, wanting to buy a parrot. The shop owner pointed out three identical parrots on a perch and said, “The parrot to the left costs $500.”

“Why does that parrot cost so much?” the man wondered.

The owner replied, “Well, it knows how to use a computer.”

The man asked about the next parrot on the perch.

“That one costs $1,000 because it can do everything the other parrot can do, plus it can build a website in a day.”

Naturally, the startled customer asked about the third parrot. “That one costs $2,000.”

“And what does that one do?” the man asked.

The owner replied, “To be honest, I’ve never seen him do a thing, but the other two call him boss!”

One Liner

I started a new exercise routine. Every day I do diddly-squats.

THINGS TO DO TO LIVEN UP THANKSGIVING DINNER

> Load your plate up high, then take it to the kitchen, toss it all in the blender, and take your “shake” back to the table. Announce that it’s the new Thanksgiving Weight Loss Shake.

> When everyone goes around to say what they are thankful for, say, “I’m thankful I didn’t get caught,” and refuse to say anything more

> Bring a date that only talks about the tragic and abusive conditions known to exist at turkey farms.

> During mid-meal turn to mom and say, “See mom, I told you they wouldn’t notice that the turkey was past the expiration date. You were worried for nothing.”

One Liner

Lif is too short.

Earl and Bob, both obsessed with baseball, never missed their favorite
team’s game. They promised whoever died first, and went to heaven, would
come back to earth and tell the other if there was baseball in heaven.

One day, Earl died. Bob waited for him to come back. Finally Earl did.

He said to Bob, “I have good news and bad news. I’ll tell you the good news
first. There IS baseball in heaven.”

Bob said, “That’s the best news!”

Then Earl said, “Time for the bad news…you’re pitching tomorrow night.”

One Liner

Here’s a tip: Ring your doorbell on your way to bed at night. This will
clear the dogs off the bed long enough for you to get in and be comfortable.