I told my son, “You will marry the girl I choose.”

He said, “No.”

I told him, “She is Bill Gate’s daughter.”

He said, “Yes.”

I called Bill Gates and said, “I want your daughter to marry my son.”

Bill Gates said, “No”.

I told Bill Gates, “My son is the CEO of World Bank.”

Bill Gates said, “Okay”.

I called the president of World Bank and asked him to make my son the CEO.

He said, “No”.

I told him, “My son is Bill Gate’s son-in-law.”

He said, “Okay.”

And this is how politics works!

One Liner

I just did a week’s worth of cardio after walking into a spider web.

Last evening my wife and I are playing SkipBo. As we sat there I was eating peach pie and had a thought that I expressed to Chris, “I wonder why they don’t make pear pies – they make pear tarts?”

She looks over and said, “Why can’t they make a pair of pies if they can make a pair of tarts? I think they can make two pies at a time, sure they can.”

I say, “I’m talking about a pie and a tart made of pears.” 

She says “I thought you were talking about making two pies at the same time.”

She bends over in uncontrolled laughter while I sit quietly watching to see if she is bewitched or has just lost it.

Oh, she won SkipBo.

One Liner

I will not sleep until I find a cure for my insomnia.

Gal 1: “Hey, you look sad, what’s the trouble?”
Gal 2: “Domestic trouble.”
Gal 1: “But you always bragged that your husband is a pearl!”
Gal 2: “He still is. It’s the mother-of-pearl that makes all the trouble.”

One Liner

Sometimes I think the world has gone completely mad. And then I think, “Aw, who cares?” And then I think, “Hey, what’s for dinner?” 

Grandpa wonders how much 6-year-old Tommy knows about money. Just for fun, he pulls two bills from his wallet – a ten and a twenty – and asks Tommy which one he’d rather have. Tommy grins and takes the ten dollar bill. 

“Thanks, Grandpa!”

Grandpa thinks it’s kinda funny, so he does it again. Again Tommy chooses the ten-dollar bill.

Grandpa calls over Uncle Joe and says, “Watch this.” He again offers Tommy a ten and a twenty, and again Tommy chooses the ten.

Both men chuckle, and then call over Tommy’s dad. Grandpa again offers a ten and a twenty, and Tommy gleefully takes the ten.

Dad takes Tommy aside. “Son, don’t you know twenty is more than ten?”

“Sure,” says Tommy. “But if I took the twenty, Grandpa wouldn’t keep playing the game. Now I have forty dollars.”

One Liner

A racehorse is an animal that can take several thousand people for a ride at the same time.

PUNS ‘R’ US

~ A good pun is its own reword. 

~ Energizer Bunny arrested; charged with battery. 

~ A pessimist’s blood type is always b-negative. 

~ Dijon vu: The same mustard as before. 

~ Corduroy pillows are making headlines. 

~ Does the name Pavlov ring a bell? 

~ A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor. 

~ When two egotists meet, it’s an I for an I. 

~ A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

~ Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.

~ The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

~ Acupuncture is a jab well done.

One Liner

I tried working in a muffler factory, but that was too exhausting. 

On Sunday, the new young pastor arrived at church and found only an old farmer had shown up.  

After waiting a while, the disappointed the pastor remarked to the old farmer, “Well, it appears no one else is coming, so we should probably cancel service today”   

The farmer, dressed in his Sunday best, looked at the young preacher and said, “Well pastor, I don’t know much ’bout preachin’, but I do know something bout farmin’ and if I went out in the field and found only one cow, I’d still feed ’em”  

This excited the young preacher who preached for the next 45 minutes a fierce fire and brimstone sermon. Afterwards the pastor asked the old farmer what he thought.  

The old farmer remarked, “Well pastor, I don’t know much bout preachin’, but I do know somethin’ ’bout farmin’ and if I went out in the field and found only one cow, I wouldn’t give ’em the whole bale.”

One Liner

I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else’s fault.

A teacher gave her class of second graders a lesson on the magnet and what it does. 

The next day in a written test, she included this question: “My full name has six letters. The first one is M. I am strong and attractive. I pick up things. What am I?” 

When the test papers were turned in, the teacher was astonished to find that almost 50 percent of the students answered the question with the word “Mother.”

One Liner

I am not evil. Just divinely challenged.