Monthly Archives: February 2015

Humor pic of the week

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Humor – February 20

A man was telling his neighbor, “I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it’s state of the art. It’s perfect.!”

“Really,” answered the neighbor. “What kind is it?'”

“Twelve-thirty.”

One Liner
If it jams, force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway.
–Lowery’s Law

Thought for the day
Establish a planned schedule. Proverbs 13:16 says, “A wise man plans ahead. A fool doesn’t” (LB). If you fail to plan, you’re planning to fail. You need to designate some specific time slots each week for the things you need to do. Whatever it is, put it on your calendar. And if it’s a big task, break it down into small pieces. Break it into bite-size pieces.

Humor – February 19

TEN WAYS YOU KNOW YOUR INTERNET CONNECTION IS A LITTLE SLOW

  1. Text on webpages display as Morse Code
  1. Graphics arrive via FedEx
  1. You believe a heavier string might improve your connection
  1. You post a message to your favorite Facebook group and it displays a week later
  1. Your credit card expires while ordering from Amazon
  1. ESPN website exhibits “Heisman Trophy Winner”…for 1989
  1. You’re still in the middle of downloading that popular new game, “PacMan”
  1. Everyone you talk to on the Skype sounds like Forrest Gump
  1. You receive emails with stamps on them
  1. When you click the “Send” button, a little door opens on the side of your monitor and a pigeon flies out.

    One Liner
    “Background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for who we become.”

    Thought for the day
    Start today. Not next month, next week, or tomorrow. “Never boast about tomorrow. You don’t know what will happen between now and then” (Proverbs 27:1 GNT). None of us is guaranteed a tomorrow.

Humor – February 18

A football coach was asked how he picked a team from a bunch of raw recruits.

“I hate to give away my secrets,” he replied, “but I’ll tell you. I take them out into the woods. Then, at a given signal, I start them running.

Those that run around the trees are chosen as guards. Those that run into the trees are chosen as tackles.”

One Liner
If you can still do at 60 what you did at 20, it means you weren’t doing much at 20.”

Thought for the day
Stop making excuses. “The lazy man is full of excuses” (Proverbs 22:13 LB). What have you been saying you’re going to do “one of these days”? What do you make excuses about? The number one excuse I hear is, “When things settle down, then I’m going to …” Things will never settle down. You must make a choice to prioritize what is important.

Humor – February 17

Woman Misses Husband’s Funeral

There is a huge rivalry in college basketball between the University of Louisville and the University of Kentucky. The story is told that at one of the games between the two schools, an elderly woman was sitting alone with an empty seat next to her. Someone approached her and said, “Ma’am, I have rarely seen an empty seat in Rupp Arena, let alone at a game between these two teams. Whose seat is this?” 

The woman responded that she and her late husband had been season-ticket holders for 28 years, and the seat had belonged to him. 

”Well, couldn’t you find a friend or relative to come to the game with you?” the observer asked. 

”Are you kidding?” she replied. “They’re all at my husband’s funeral.”

One LINER

Q: What do you get if you drop a piano down a mine shaft? A: A flat minor.

thought for the day
“Being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.” Philippians 1:6

We humans are great starters but often bad finishers. We leave unfinished symphonies, unfinished buildings, unfinished books, unfinished projects. We may not always finish what we start, but God always finishes what he starts.

Humor – February 16

I was having dinner at a nice restaurant the other night. The couple at the next table were smooching from the moment they sat down. Oh how romantic, young love!

But I couldn’t figure out what was going on at their table after the food came. Every time the young man would take a bite, he would jump up and give the girl such a big hug that she would squeal loudly! This bizarre behavior continued about 10 times – he took a bite, gave her a big hug, she squealed….very strange. Everyone was looking!!

When my waiter came by I mentioned the ‘entertainment’ and he said “Oh, we have that all the time in here. You see, that man ordered the Seize Her Salad.”

One LINER
Caller to computer help line: “I deleted a file from my PC last week and I just realized that I need it. So, if I turn my system clock back two weeks will I get my file back again?”

eWORD of the DAY
John1:38-39 NLT 
Jesus looked around and saw them following. “What do you want?” he asked them.
  They replied, “Rabbi” (which means “Teacher”), “where are you staying?”
  “Come and see,”