Monthly Archives: April 2015

Humor – April 23

A Swiss man, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two Americans are waiting.

“Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?” he asks.

The two Americans just stare at him.

“Excusez-moi, parlez vous Fracais?” he tries.

The two continue to stare.

“Parlare Italiano?”

No response.

“Hablan ustedes Espanol?”

Still nothing.

The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted. The first American turns to the second and says, “Y’know, maybe we should learn a foreign language.”

“Why?” says the other. “That guy knew four languages, and it didn’t do him any good.”

One Liner
If you don’t like my driving, just take a different road. That’s why the highway department made so many of them.

Thought for the day
So stand ready, with truth as a belt tight around your waist, with righteousness as your breastplate …. (Ephesians 6:14 TEV)

In Ephesians, the apostle Paul says the first thing to do in spiritual warfare is to wear truth like a belt around your waist. Truth is the foundation for you to fight against the enemy. If you don’t have a foundation of truth, you will fall apart when temptations and turmoil attack your life. God’s Truth is what holds you together.

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Humor – April 22

An eccentric philosophy professor gave a one-question final exam after a semester dealing with a broad array of topics.

The class was already seated and ready to go when the professor picked up his chair, plopped it on his desk, and wrote on the board: “Using everything we have learned this semester, prove that this chair does not exist.”

Fingers flew, erasers erased, and notebooks were filled in furious fashion. Some students wrote over 30 pages in one hour attempting to refute the existence of the chair. One member of the class, however, was up and finished in less than a minute.

Weeks later when the grades were posted, the rest of the group wondered how he could have gotten an “A” when he had barely written anything at all. His answer consisted of two words:

“What chair?”

One Liner
The amount of flak received on any subject is inversely proportional to the subject’s true value.

Thought for the day
The Bible says in 1 Peter 1:2, “Dear friends, God the Father chose you long ago and knew you would become His children” (LB).

God didn’t choose you because of something you’ve done. It’s all because of who he is. You weren’t good enough, smart enough, or spiritual enough for him to save you. He saved you because he loves you.

Humor – April 21

There’s two muffins in the oven.

One says, “Man! I’m burning up in here!”

The other one says “Hey look! A talking muffin!!!”

One Liner
Did you hear about the red corpuscle and the white corpuscle? They loved in vein.

Thought for the day
Discontent is all about comparing. The Bible says comparisons are foolish. They’ll ruin you financially. You go out and find a car you can afford and buy it. But you look over and see your neighbor’s car has something extra on it, so you go into debt to buy a car like that – all because of a comparison.

The antidote to debt-inducing comparisons is contentment. The Bible says, “Stay away from the love of money; be satisfied with what you have. For God has said, ‘I will never fail you. I will never forsake you.’” (Hebrews 13:5 NLT)

Humor – April 20

HEALTH MESSAGE

1. If walking/cycling is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.

2. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water, and is fat.

3. A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years.

4. A tortoise doesn’t run and does nothing, yet it lives for 450 years.

And you tell me to exercise?? I don’t think so. It’s the tortoise life for me!

One Liner
My intuition nearly makes up for my lack of good judgment.

Thought for the day
“Those who love money will never have enough. How absurd to think that wealth brings true happiness!” Ecclesiastes 5:10 (NLT)

The more you get; the more you want. That’s life. Somebody once asked the billionaire Howard Hughes, “How much does it take for a man to be happy?” He said, “Just a little more.”

Humor – April 17

A minister told his congregation, “Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17.”

The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17.

Every hand went up.

The minister smiled and said, “Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying.”

One Liner
“When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.”

Thought for the day
“Every day they continued to meet together in the temple courts … praising God and enjoying the favor of all the people.” (Acts 2:46-47a NIV)

God blesses churches that worship him joyfully. Truth is, God loves a good celebration. He blesses people who celebrate him! The early Church is a great example of that.