Monthly Archives: October 2015

Humor – October 23

The pastor shocked the congregation when he announced that he was resigning from the church and moving to a drier climate.

After the service a very distraught lady came to the pastor with tears in her eyes, “Oh, Pastor Bob, we are going to miss you so much. We don’t want you to leave!”

The kindhearted pastor patted her hand and said “Now, now, Carolyn, don’t carry on. The pastor who takes my place might be even better than me”.

“Yeah”, she said “That’s what they said the LAST time too!!!”

One Liner
No matter how much I exercise my body, it refuses to go away and leave me alone.

Thought for the day
If you’re a Christian, pay close attention to Ephesians 1:4-5: “Even before the world was made, God had already chosen us to be his through our union with Christ, so that we would be holy and without fault before him. Because of his love God had already decided that through Jesus Christ he would make us his children—this was his pleasure and purpose” (GNT).

Do you realize that when God looks at you, he sees you through Jesus Christ? When Jesus died on the cross, he paid for all of your sins, so you are forgiven and they are forgotten.

Humor – October 22

“What the heck is going on here?” said an angry man storming into the florist shop. “I just lost one of my main clients and it’s your fault!” “Why don’t you calm down a bit” said the lady behind the counter, “and let us know what exactly happened.” “Well,” said the man “My biggest client moved to a new location, and to be nice I called you guys up and asked you to send him some flowers with a note saying “congratulations on your new location.” He calls me up and says to me “what’s the big deal with sending me a note that says “rest in peace?!” “Oh no!” she sighed, “now I know why I got a nasty message from the funeral parlor!”

One Liner
I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard. – Phyllis Diller

Thought for the day
The Bible says that God speaks to people who do three things. “Listen to this wise advice; follow it closely, for it will do you good, and you can pass it on to others” (Proverbs 22:17 LB).

God speaks to those who listen to what he says, follow it closely, and then pass it on to others.

Humor – October 21

My grandson, Chris, has worn glasses since the age of three. When he was in the first grade he came home one day very distressed.

Wanting to find out what was the matter his mother asked, “Chris, what happened today to upset you so?”

He answered, “It’s not fair that I’m not allowed to go to the library.”

His mother became very concerned and asked, “Why aren’t you allowed to go to the library?”

With a tearful reply he said, “Because, in order to go to the library you have to have “supervision”, and I wear glasses!”

One Liner
My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance. – Anonymous

Thought for the day
“Jesus Christ’s outward life was densely immersed in the things of the world, yet he was inwardly disconnected. The one irresistible purpose of his life was to do the will of his Father.” – Oswald Chambers

Humor – October 20

Our neighbor loaned my husband his old chain saw to trim some tree branches. Unfortunately, the engine burned out while my husband was using it. Not wanting to return a broken piece of equipment, he bought a new saw to replace it.

When I offered it to our neighbor, he thanked me but said, “Keep it. I’ll borrow it when I need it.”

I was turning away when his eyes lit up. “Hey,” he asked, “want to borrow my car?”

One Liner
Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?

Thought for the day
“I pray that from his glorious, unlimited resources he will empower you with inner strength through his Spirit.” (Ephesians 3:16 NLT)

Applying Scripture to our lives isn’t easy. If it were easy, more people would be doing it.

Humor – October 19

There are two bats in a cave and one says to the other, “I could do with some blood right now.”

The other said, “Me too but its almost sunrise.”

The first one said, “Wait here.” He flies off and comes back with a mouth full of blood.

The 2nd bat says, “Hey where’d ya get that blood from?”

The other replies, “Ya see that tree over there?”

“Yeah.”

“Well I didn’t.”

One Liner
“You can tell Monopoly is an old game because there‘s a luxury tax and rich people can go to jail.”

Thought for the day
“When they saw the courage of Peter and John and could see that they were unschooled, ordinary men, they were astonished and took note that these men had been with Jesus” (Acts 4:13 NCV). The more time you spend with Jesus, the less you are going to be intimidated by the opinions of others and the more courage you’re going to have.