A young executive was leaving the office late one evening when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

“Listen,” said the CEO, “this is a very sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work?”

“Certainly,” said the young executive.

He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.

“Excellent, excellent!” said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. “I just need one copy.”

One Liner
It doesn’t matter whether you win or lose–until you lose.

Thought for the day
“So, dear brothers, you have no obligation anymore to your old sinful nature to do what it begs you to do.” Romans 8:12 (LB)

I don’t know about you, but I have to admit there were a lot of things I could not say ‘no’ to before the Holy Spirit came into my life. I wanted to say ‘no’, but I didn’t.

ARE YOU A PROFESSIONAL?

This quiz consists of four questions that tell you whether or not you are qualified to be a professional. SCROLL DOWN FOR THE ANSWERS.

There is no need to cheat. The questions are not that difficult. You just need to think like a professional.

1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?
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* The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe and close the door. This question tests whether or not you are doing simple things in a complicated way.

2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?
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* Incorrect answer: Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the door.
Correct answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. This question tests your foresight.

3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend except one. Which animal does not attend?
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* Correct answer: The elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator! This tests if you are capable of comprehensive thinking.

OK, if you did not answer the last three questions correctly, this one may be your last chance to test your qualifications to be a professional.

4. There is a river that is known to have many crocodiles in it. How do you cross it?
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* Correct Answer: Simply swim through it. All the crocodiles are attending the animal meeting! This question tests your reasoning ability.

So… If you answered four out of four questions correctly, you are a true professional. Wealth and success await you.

If you answered three out of four, you have some catching up to do but there’s hope for you.

If you answered two out of four, consider a career as a hamburger flipper in a fast food joint.

If you answered one out of four, try selling some of your organs. It’s the only way you will ever make any money.

If you answered none correctly, consider a career that does not require any higher mental functions at all, such as politics.

Two goobers meet on a dusty country road. One of them is carrying a big bag labeled, “chickens.”

“Chickens, eh?” says one guy. “Hey, if I guess how many chickens you got, will you give me one?”

“Heck,” says the guy with the bag, “iffin you guess right, I’ll give you both of ’em.”

The other scratches his head and guesses, “Um… five?”

One Liner
“The other day I nearly succumbed to a bout of narcissism: seriously, I just don’t know what’s come over me, me, me, me.”

Thought for the day
“Those who live according to the sinful nature have their minds set on what the nature desires; but those who live in accordance with the Spirit have their minds set on what the Spirit desires ….” Romans 8:5-6 (NIV)

There is a battle going on inside you between your old, sinful nature and your new nature that comes from Christ. If you want to win this battle, you’re going to have to change the way you think.

It was mealtime during our trip on a small airline in the Northwest.

“Would you like dinner?” the flight attendant asked the man seated in front of me.

“What are my choices?” he asked.

“Yes or no,” she replied.

One Liner
I just got a call from a charity asking me to donate some of my clothes to the starving people around the world. I told them to forget it. Anybody who fits into my clothes ain’t starving.

Thought for the day
The Bible says this: “So be careful how you live. Don’t live like ignorant people, but like wise people. Make good use of every opportunity you have, because these are evil days. Don’t be fools, then, but try to find out what the Lord wants you to do” (Ephesians 5:15–17 TEV).

It’s wise to figure out why I was put on Earth. It’s foolish to go through life without a clue. Fortunately, God doesn’t play games with us. He wants us to understand his will for our lives. When we look toward the wrong things, we create barriers to discovering God’s will.

WHY YOU SHOULD MARRY A GOOD SPELLER

A dog attacks a lady and the husband calls 911.

The operator asks, “Where are you at?”

The husband replies, “I’m on Eucolipstic Road.”

The operator asks, “Can you spell that for me?”

“Um, well – er…I’ll just drag her over to Oak Street so you can you pick her up there”

One Liner
Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left them to where you can’t find them.

Thought for the day
James says, “But when you ask him, be sure that your faith is in God alone. Do not waver, for a person with divided loyalty is as unsettled as a wave of the sea that is blown and tossed by the wind. . . . Their loyalty is divided between God and the world, and they are unstable in everything they do” (James 1:6, 8 NLT).

Faith is a verb. It’s active and not passive. It’s something you do. Decision-making is a faith-building activity. You use your muscles of faith.

Baby Boomers: The 60’s and revisited in 2015

Then: Long Hair.
Now : Longing for hair.

Then: The perfect high.
Now : The perfect high yield mutual fund.

Then: Keg.
Now : EKG.

Then: Acid Rock.
Now : Acid Reflux.

Then: Moving to California because it’s cool.
Now : Moving to California because it’s warm.

Then: Watching John Glenn’s historic flight with your parents.
Now : Watching John Glenn’s historic flight with your children.

Then: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor.
Now : Trying not to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor.

Then: Paar.
Now : AARP.

Then: The Grateful Dead.
Now : Dr. Kevorkian.

Then: Getting out to a new, hip joint.
Now : Getting a new hip joint.

Then: Rolling Stones.
Now : Kidney stones.

Then: Being called into the principal’s office.
Now : Calling the principal’s office.

Then: Parents begging you to get your hair cut.
Now : Children begging you to get their heads shaved.

Then: Passing the driver’s test.
Now : Passing the vision test.

Then: “Whatever”
Now : “Depends”

An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his physician.

“Doctor, I just can’t get to sleep at night.”

“Have you tried counting sheep?”

“Yes….and THAT’s the problem! I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to find it.”

One Liner
What do you get when you mix a rhetorical question and a joke?

Thought for the day
I tell you, use your worldly resources to benefit others and make friends for eternity. In this way, your generosity stores up a reward for you in heaven … but if you are unfaithful with your worldly wealth, who will trust you with the true riches of heaven? … You cannot serve both God and money. (Luke 16: 9-14 NLT)

If you’re going to become like Jesus, you need to learn how to be generous———–