Monthly Archives: December 2015

Humor – December 21

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A friend of ours waited until the last minute to send Christmas cards. She knew she had 49 folks on her list. So she rushed into a store and bought a package of 50 cards without really looking at them.

Still in a big hurry, she addressed the 49 and signed them without reading the message inside.

On Christmas Day when things had quieted down somewhat, she happened to come across the one leftover card and finally read the message she had sent to 49 of her friends.

Much to her dismay, it read like this:

This card is just to say
A little gift is on the way.

Suddenly she realized that 49 of her friends were expecting a gift from her.

One Liner
Santa stores all the presents in the pole vault.

Thought for the day
[The star] went ahead of them and stopped over the place where the child was. … They entered the house and saw the child with his mother, Mary …. Matthew 2:9,11 (NLT)

The wise men did not stop until they met Jesus. The Bible says they finally came to the place where Jesus was. Have you done that yet? Have you come to the point in your life where you’ve met Jesus personally?

Humor – December 18

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Children’s Christmas Carols

No one can fracture a Christmas carol better than a kid. Sing along with these new takes on old favorites:

Deck the Halls with Buddy Holly

We three kings of porridge and tar

On the first day of Christmas my tulip gave to me

Later on we’ll perspire, as we dream by the fire.

He’s makin a list, chicken and rice.

Noel. Noel, Barney’s the king of Israel.

With the jelly toast proclaim

Frosty the Snowman is a ferret elf, I say

Sleep in heavenly peas

In the meadow we can build a snowman, Then pretend that he is sparse and brown

You’ll go down in listerine

Oh, what fun it is to ride with one horse, soap and hay

O come, froggy faithful

Good tidings we bring to you and your kid

One Liner
Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.

Thought for the day
“Jesus told him, ‘I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one can come to the Father except through me.’” (John 14:6 NLT)

Truth is not a principle. Truth is a person: Jesus Christ.

Humor – December 17

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CHURCH SIGN

A church was preparing for Christmas services. The pastor decided he wanted a banner made for the entryway and had a parishioner call the sign company.

The parishioner told the man on the phone the message he wanted and the dimensions needed for the entryway.

The sign came back a few days later… “Unto Mary Jesus was born, six feet long and two feet wide.”

One LINER
Research has determined that the shelf life of fruitcake is longer than the shelf.

Thought for the day
“But you will not even need to fight. Take your positions; then stand still and watch the Lord’s victory. He is with you, O people of Judah and Jerusalem. Do not be afraid or discouraged. Go out there tomorrow, for the Lord is with you!” 2 Chronicles 20:17 (NLT)

What God tells Jehoshaphat in this passage, and what he would remind us today, is this: “The battle is not yours; it’s mine. You don’t have to fight in it.”

In other words, it’s God’s problem. Let him solve it.

Humor – December 16

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TOP 5 THINGS OVERHEAD ON THE WISE MEN’S JOURNEY TO BETHLEHEM

5. You know, I used to go to school with a girl name Beth Lehem.

4. What kind of name is Balthazar anyhow? Phoenician?

3. Hey, do you either of you know why “MYRRH” is spelled with a “Y” instead of a “U”?

2. Okay, who forgot to give their camel a bath before we left?

1. Whaddya mean we’ll be part of history? A year from now, nobody will have a clue why we did this.

One LINER
Q: What reindeer has the cleanest antlers?
A: Comet.

Thought for the day
God saved you by his grace when you believed. And you can’t take credit for this; it is a gift from God. Salvation is not a reward for the good things we have done, so none of us can boast about it. Ephesians 2:8-9 (NLT)

God gives you what you need, not what you deserve. Grace is when God says, “I’m going to take your problem and make it my problem.” Grace is God’s Riches given to you At Christ’s Expense.

Humor -December 15

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Top Ten Gifts Your Wife Doesn’t Want For Christmas

10. A car wash kit

9. A table saw

8. Two all-day passes to Circuit City’s Home Theatre Installation Seminar

7. A case of oil

6. Five-year subscription to Sports Illustrated

5. Custom engraved bowling ball

4. New outboard motor for fishing boat

3. Rambo Trilogy on DVD

2. New satellite dish with sports package

1. Three-year membership to Weight-Watchers Clinic

Thought for the day
When the angel appeared to Joseph in a dream, he told Joseph, “Do not be afraid to take Mary home as your wife, because what is conceived in her is from the Holy Spirit” (Matthew 1:20 NIV). So that’s what Joseph did. “When Joseph woke up, he did what the angel of the Lord had commanded him and took Mary home as his wife” (Matthew 1:24 NIV). He didn’t hesitate, he just did it.

There is a refreshing immediacy to Joseph’s relationship with God. When God said it, Joseph did it.

Humor – December 14

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A calorie-conscious woman drove past a bakery and saw some gorgeous Christmas cookies.

She decided to pray about it: “Lord, if you want me to have some of those delicious cookies, let me have a parking place directly in front of the bakery.”

And sure enough, the eighth time around the block, there it was!

One Liner
If you’re going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

Thought for the day
1 John 5:3 says, “This is love for God, to obey his commands. And his commands are not burdensome” (NIV). So if something God asks you to do feels like a burden, what’s wrong? Usually it’s procrastination. When we don’t act right away, it becomes harder to do the longer we wait. But when we do what God says, the most refreshing freedom will come into our lives.