Walking through the hallways at the middle school where I work, I saw a new substitute teacher standing outside his classroom with his forehead against a locker.

I heard him mutter, “How did you get yourself into this?”

Knowing that he was assigned to a difficult class, I tried to offer moral support.

“Are you okay?” I asked. “Can I help?”

He lifted his head and replied, “I’ll be fine as soon as I get this kid out of his locker.”

One Liner
Remember that the right relationship is one where your love for each other is greater than your need for each other.

Thought for the day
People who excel keep their word. They are reliable. They can be counted on to do what they say they’ll do. They excel because people of integrity are rare in our society: “Everyone talks about how loyal and faithful he is, but just try to find someone who really is!” (Proverbs 20:6 TEV)

An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. As he was about to get the anesthesia, he asked to speak to his son.

“Yes, Dad, what is it?”

“Don’t be nervous, son; do your best, and just remember, if it doesn’t go well – if something happens to me – your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife.”

One Liner
Tried to play my shoehorn. Managed to make some footnotes.

Thought for the day
Regardless of whether the job is big or small, give it your best. Great performers give their best effort, no matter what the size of the audience: “Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as though you were working for the Lord and not for people” (Colossians 3:23 TEV).

On a Sunday morning a couple celebrated their 70th wedding anniversary. In the small church where they had worshiped for many years, the pastor called them forward to be recognized by the congregation and prayed a blessing over them.

Afterward the pastor asked them if there is anything they would like to say to one another in everyone’s presence.

The wife turned to her husband and with a rather weak voice said, “You are tried and true.”

Her husband replied, “HUH?”

“Ahem. You are tried and true.”

“OH YEAH?! WELL I’M TIRED OF YOU, TOO.”

One Liner
Why did the chicken cross the road? To show the skunk it could be done.

Thought for the day
“Come to the Lord, the living Stone rejected by people as worthless” (1 Peter 2:4 GW). Jesus is the living stone. He was perfect, but some people still rejected him. Some of you may think, “If I could just be perfect, then I would be accepted.” No! Jesus was perfect, but even he wasn’t accepted by everyone. But, he was “chosen by God as valuable.”

Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch stduy at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn’t mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a total mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.

One Liner
So there’re two fish in a tank. One says: “You man the guns and I’ll drive.”

Thought for the day
The world of the generous gets larger and larger; the world of the stingy gets smaller and smaller. Proverbs 11:24 (Msg)

If I sow generosity, it’s going to come back to me, and I’m going to reap generosity.

Every farmer knows this. A farmer has sacks of seed in his barn and he looks at his empty field. He doesn’t complain, “There’s no crop! I wish there was a crop!” He just goes out and starts planting seed. When you have a need, plant a seed.

There were three fathers to be in a hospital waiting room, waiting for their babies to be born.

The first nurse comes out and tells the first father, “Congratulations you’re the father of twins!”

He says, “Great! I am the manager for the Minnesota Twins.”

The second nurse comes out and tells the second father, “Congratulations you’re the father of triplets!”

He says, “That’s cool! I work for 3M.”

The third father runs screaming out the front door.

The third nurse comes out, and asks, “Where’s the third father?”

One of the other fathers said, “Oh he just ran out the door.”

The nurse asks, “Why?”

He replied, “He works for 7-Up!”

One Liner
The more things change, the more they stay insane.

Thought for the day
We don’t have to let anything enslave us. The Bible says Jesus bought our freedom: “He gave his life to purchase freedom for everyone” (1 Timothy 2:6a NLT). The Greek word for redemption actually refers to slaves who were purchased in a marketplace. In a spiritual sense, all of us were slaves to sin until Jesus purchased us out of the slave market and set us free from sin’s bondage.

First guy: “You look sad, what’s the trouble?”

Second guy: “I’m having domestic problems.”

First guy: “But you’re always bragging that your wife is a pearl!”

Second guy: “She is! It’s the mother-of-pearl that’s a problem.”

One Liner
Q. What do people in Texas call sushi?
A. Bait.

Thought for the day
Jesus said, “According to your faith will it be done to you” (Matthew 9:29 NIV). God wants to pour blessings into all areas of your life – in your family, in your career, in your finances, in your health, in your relationships – but he will do it according to the level of your faith. If you have great faith, you will have great blessing. If you have a little faith, you will receive a little blessing. But if you have no faith, God’s blessing will not be in your life.

See if you can do this. Read it out loud, as fast as possible without mistakes.

[It’s supposedly Dr. Suess’ lost tongue twisters–yeah, right]

This is this cat

This is is cat

This is how cat

This is to cat

This is keep cat

This is a cat

This is sucker cat

This is busy cat

This is for cat

This is forty cat

This is seconds cat

Now go back and read the THIRD word, in each line from the start.

One Liner
Ignorance might be bliss to you, but it’s agony to everyone around you.

Thought for the day
Why is worry such a big deal? Because it’s not just a bad habit. It’s a flat out sin! But God keeps his promises, and you can trust that he will take care of you. “Don’t worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today’s trouble is enough for today” (Matthew 6:34).

Two dogs are walking down the street and one says to the other, “Wait here a minute, I’ll be right back.”

He trots across the street, sniffs at a fire hydrant for about a minute, then comes back.

The other dog says, “What was that about?”

The dog first dog says, “Oh, just checking my messages.”

One Liner
Never assume malice for what stupidity can explain.

Thought for the day
Prayer can change things. Romans 8:32 says, “He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all — how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things?” (NIV) God solved your biggest problem — getting into Heaven — when he sent Jesus to die for you. If God loved you enough to send Jesus to die for you, don’t you think he loves you enough to take care of all these other problems?