Bacon and eggs walk into a bar after a long day of being bacon and eggs. They walk up to the bartender and ask for a beer.

The bartender takes one look at them and says, “Sorry fellas, but we don’t serve breakfast.”

One Liner
If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished!

Thought for the day
“Do not conform yourselves to the standards of this world, but let God transform you inwardly by a complete change of your mind.” (Romans 12:2a TEV)

The way we act is determined by the way we feel. The way we feel is determined by the way we think. If we want to change the way we act, we have to change the way we think. If we want to change a habitual pattern of improper anger management — pouting, blowing up, criticizing, etc. — then we need to have some mental reconditioning.

Let God’s Word fill your thoughts, you will be transformed by the renewing of your mind. It’s going to change you. 

A couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules, the wife sarcastically asked, “Relatives of yours?” 

“Yep,” the husband replied, “In-laws.”

One Liner
One nice thing about egotists: They don’t talk about other people.

Thought for the day
“So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed” (John 8:36 NIV).

 When you realize how much God loves you, you’ll begin to live in true freedom.

DID NOAH FISH?

A Sunday school teacher asked, “Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark?”

“Oh no, teacher,” replied Johnny. “How could he, with just two worms?”

One Liner
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply be kind to others.

Thought for the day
Jesus said, “You cannot serve both God and money,” (Matthew 6:24 NIV) and “Wherever your treasure is, your heart will be also” (Matthew 6:21 NIV). 

Retirement is not the goal of a surrender life, because it competes with God for the primary attention of our lives. 

During our travels as a training team, my husband and I stayed overnight with a single lady in her mobile home. Before retiring, my husband thought he should check the hot water provisions since all three of us needed to attend an early meeting the next morning.
 
He asked our hostess if there would be enough hot water for more than one shower in the morning. “I really don’t know,” she admitted. “I’ve never taken two in a row!”

One Liner
Ignorance might be bliss to you, but it’s agony to everyone around you.

Thought for the day
I said to myself, “Relax, because the Lord takes care of you.” Psalm 116:7 (NCV)

God has given you the gift of your body and it comes with an owner’s manual – the Bible. In it are all the instructions you need to take care of yourself and live a long life. 

“Daddy, where did I come from?”, seven-year-old Rachel asked.

It was a moment for which her parents had carefully prepared. They took her into the living room, got out several other books, and explained all they thought she should know about sexual attraction, affection, love, and reproduction. Then they both sat back and smiled contentedly.

“Does that answer your question?” the mom asked.

“Not really,” the little girl said. “Judy said she came from Detroit. I want to know where I came from.”

One Liner
I can’t tell you anything you don’t already know, but I’d like to clarify a few things.

Thought for the day
“Some men brought to Jesus a paralytic friend, lying on a mat. When Jesus saw their faith, he said to the paralyzed man, ‘Take heart, son! Your sins are forgiven.’” (Matthew 9:2)

We all have friends who are paralyzed and can’t get to Jesus. They are paralyzed by fear, guilt, doubt, pain, or maybe even resentment over being hurt in some church in the past. They are paralyzed, and they can’t get to Jesus on their own.  What an opportunity to invite and bring them with you this week.  

HIGHER POWER
A Sunday school teacher said to her children, “We have been learning how powerful kings and queens were in Bible times. But, there is a Higher Power. Can anybody tell me what it is?”

One child blurted out, “Aces!”

One Liner
Don’t squat with your spurs on.

Thought for the day
“The only fear I have is to fear to get out of the will of God. Outside of the will of God, there’s nothing I want, and in the will of God there’s nothing I fear.” – A.W. Tozer 

 Did You Ever Wonder? 

 – If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
– If cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
– Why is the word abbreviation so long?
– If a book about failures doesn’t sell, is it a success?
– Is it possible to be totally partial?
– What’s another word for thesaurus?
– Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?
– Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
– Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
– How do you know when it’s time to tune your bagpipes?
– When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
– Why do they call it a TV set when you get only one?
– What was the best thing before sliced bread?
– What do people in China call their good plates?

One Liner
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.

Thought for the day
And this small and temporary trouble we suffer will bring us a tremendous and eternal glory, much greater than the trouble. For we fix our attention, not on things that are seen, but on things that are unseen. What can be seen lasts only for a time, but what cannot be seen lasts forever. 2
Corinthians 4:17-18 (TEV)

It will come as a surprise to our calendars, smartphones, and alarm clocks, but God controls time. The best our tools can do is measure the time passing.

God created time and he uses it to direct and guide us into setting priorities. We tend to think in terms of today or next week, but God wants us to get our eyes on eternity.