Two police officers respond to a crime scene behind a grocery store. The homicide detective is already there.

“What happened?” asks the first officer.

“Male, about twenty-five, covered in Raisin Bran and dead as a doornail.”

“Good grief,” says the second officer. “Didn’t we have one covered in Frosted Flakes yesterday? And Captain Crunch last week?”

“You’re right. I’m afraid,” said the detective as he took a drag from his cigar, “this is the work of a cereal killer.”

One Liner
“It’s okay to have nothing to say…unless you’re talking.”

Thought for the day
“The servant’s master took pity on him, canceled the debt and let him go” Matthew 18:27

God’s Word tells us why we have to let go of our hurt and resentment. We’ve got to release it instead of rehearsing it.

A guy shouts frantically into the phone “My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!”

“Is this her first child?” asks the Doctor.

“No”, shouts the guy, “this is her husband!”

One Liner
I lost my mood ring today. I don’t know how I feel about losing it.

Thought for the day
Our lives gradually becoming brighter and more beautiful as God enters our lives and we become like him. 2 Corinthians 3:18b (Msg)

Discipleship is the process of conforming to Christ. The Bible says, “We arrive at real maturity—that measure of development which is meant by ‘the fullness of Christ.'” (Ephesians 4:13, Phillips)  Christlikeness is your eventual destination, but your journey will last a lifetime.

A woman goes to the vet with her goldfish.

“I think it’s got epilepsy” she tells the vet.

The vet takes a look and says “It seems calm enough to me”.

The woman says, “well wait – I haven’t taken it out of the bowl yet!”

One Liner
You spend the first 2 years teaching children to walk and talk, and the next 16 telling them to sit down and shut up.

Thought for the day
“Our lives gradually becoming brighter and more beautiful as God enters our lives and we become like him.” (2 Corinthians 3:18b, Msg)

Real spiritual maturity is never the result of a single experience, no matter how powerful or moving. Growth is gradual.

I saw a billboard yesterday that said:

Need help? Call Jesus.

1-800-555-HELP

Out of curiosity I did.

A Mexican showed up with a tow truck

One Liner
“If your parents never had children, chances are you won’t either.”

Thought for the day
“My Father is glorified and honored by this, when you bear much fruit” John 15:8a

When you use the gifts that God has given you, it is an act of worship.

In the examination paper, the professor wanted us to sign a form stating that we had not received any outside assistance. Unsure of whether he should sign the form, a student stated that he had prayed for the assistance of God.

The professor carefully studied the answer page and then said, “You can sign it with a clear conscience. God did not assist you.”

One Liner
“Some can trace their family back 300 years, but can’t tell you where their children are tonight.”

Thought for the
1 Corinthians 12:4-6, “There are different spiritual gifts, but the same Spirit gives them. There are different ways of serving, and yet the same Lord is served. There are different types of work to do, but the same God produces every gift in every person” (GW).

You are needed. You’re needed in your church. You are needed in your community. You are needed in this world. If you weren’t needed, God would not have made you. He brought you here to make a contribution with your life. And everybody is needed.

The minister gave his Sunday morning service, as usual, but this particular Sunday, it was considerably longer than normal.

Later, at the door, shaking hands with parishioners as they moved out, one man said, “Your sermon, Pastor, was simply wonderful -so invigorating and inspiring and refreshing.”

The minister of course, broke out in a big smile, only to hear the man add, “I felt like a new man when I woke up!”

One Liner
Honk if you love peace and quiet.

Thought for the day
We are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago. Ephesians 2:10

The reason you have value is because of what God says about you, not because of what other people say about you.