A woman took her dog to the parlor for a haircut and asked what it would cost. Being told that it would cost her $100, she was outraged.

“I only pay 70 bucks for my own haircut!” she said.

The groomer replied, “That may be true. But then you don’t bite, do you?”

One Liner
The trouble with Sunday drivers is, they don’t drive any better during the week.

Little Johnny’s mom was worried.  She hadn’t seen her elderly neighbor, Mrs. Goldbaum, in days.

She asked: “Johnny, would you go next door and see how old Mrs. Goldbaum is?”

A few minutes later, Johnny returned.

Mom: “Well, is she all right?”

Johnny: “She’s fine, except that she’s mad at you.”

Mom: “At me?  Whatever for?”

Johnny: “She said its none of your business how old she is.”

One Liner
As I watched the dog chasing his tail, I thought dogs are easily amused. Then I realized I was watching a dog chasing his tail.

A visitor to the town approached a local person and asked, “What’s the quickest way to the next town?” 

The local, scratched his head, “Are you walking or driving?” he asked the stranger.

“I’m driving,” said the stranger.

“Well, that’s the quickest way.”

One Liner
I called my financial adviser this morning and asked him what I should be buying. He said, “Canned goods and ammunition.”

It was a cold winter day. An old man walked out onto a frozen lake, cut a hole in the ice and dropped in his fishing line. He was there for almost an hour, without even a nibble, when a young boy walked out onto the ice, cut a hole in the ice not far from him. The young boy dropped his fishing line and minutes later he hooked a Largemouth Bass.

The old man couldn’t believe his eyes but chalked it up to plain luck. But, shortly thereafter, the young boy pulled in another large catch.

The young boy kept catching fish after fish. Finally, the old man couldn’t take it any longer. “Son, I’ve been here for over an hour without even a nibble. You’ve been here only a few minutes and have caught a half dozen fish! How do you do it?”

The boy responded, “Roo raf roo reep ra rums rrarm.”

“What was that?” the old man asked.

Again the boy responded, “Roo raf roo reep ra rums rarrm.”

“Look,” said the old man, “I can’t understand a word you’re saying.”

The boy spit the contents of his mouth into his hand and said, “You have to keep the worms warm!”

One Liner
Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

Faced with hard times, the company offered a bonus of one thousand dollars to any employee who could come up with a way of saving money.

The bonus went to a young woman in accounting who suggested limiting future bonuses to ten dollars. 

One Liner
Live as though it were your last day on Earth. Some day you will be right!

Groan alert: 
 
Two surgeons and a dermatologist were having lunch in the hospital cafeteria when the first two doctors began to laugh hysterically. 
 
“What’s so funny?” the confused dermatologist asked. 
 
“I’m sorry, you wouldn’t understand,” said one of the surgeons. “It’s an inside joke.”

One Liner
On a maternity room door: Push. Push. Push.