A cop pulls a guy over for weaving across two lanes of traffic.
He walks up to the driver’s window and asks, “You drinkin’?”
The driver said, “Well that depends – You buyin’?”
One Liner
I have so many problems that if a new one comes along today, it will be at least two weeks before I can worry about it.
The nurse noticed a man in golf attire pacing up and down outside the operating room where another golfer, who had a golf ball driven down his throat, was being treated.
“Is he a relative of yours?” the nurse, stepping outside the room, asked the pacing golfer.
“No,” replied the man. “It’s my ball!”
One Liner
I wonder how the size of hail was described before the game of golf was invented!
We were studying Christmas customs from around the world. It was an ideal opportunity to share the Christmas story. I explained that Mary and Joseph had gone to Bethlehem to pay taxes. It was time for the baby Jesus to be born and they needed somewhere to spend the night. I told my students that when they went to the inn, there were no empty rooms. I compared the inn to a modern-day hotel or motel. I was leading up to the stable when I asked, “What do you suppose they had behind the inn?”
One little guy, who had been listening intently, began to frantically wave his hand. His face was alight with knowledge. “A swimming pool.”
One Liner
Does your train of thought have a caboose?
It was the night of the children’s Christmas play and little Johnny was upset because he didn’t get the part of Joseph. He was assigned the inn keeper.
Because he was still bitter, when Joseph and Mary arrived at the inn to ask if there was room, little Johnny threw the play by saying, “Sure, come on in!”
Jospeh was at first taken aback, but with quick wit, stepped in, looked around and said, “This place is a dump. I’d rather stay in the barn.”
One Liner
I know. I know. People say, “It’s the thought that counts, not the gift,” but couldn’t people think a bit bigger?!
Fruitcake Recipe
I have a fruitcake that has been in my family for several years. Apparently, my family saves them for the following year and gives them as a gift to someone else. That’s how the fruitcake that I gave my mother four years ago finally made its way back into my hands. (Mom gave it to brother, brother gave it to sister, then sister gave it to me).
Since the fruitcake tradition appears to be unstoppable, this year I’ve decided to replace our family’s fruitcake with a more durable one which we will cherish for years.
Items Needed:
4 oz. Fruit Bits
1 Railroad Tie
Wood Saw
Large Rubber Mallet
Safety Goggles
WEAR YOUR SAFETY GOGGLES. (Children, get help from an adult!)
Cut a one-foot section from the middle of your railroad tie. The resulting block of wood should be around the size and shape of a loaf of bread.
Then take some fruit bits and pound them into the block with your rubber mallet. Spread the colors around, or you might wind up with an ugly fruitcake. Don’t be afraid to throw some elbow grease into that mallet! Good fruit bits should be much harder than the railroad tie, so you can’t break anything.
For best result, you should pre-treat the fruit bits by setting them on top of your garage for a year (or by microwaving them on HIGH for 30 minutes).
Finally, cover it tightly in plastic wrap, and give your loved ones the timeless and enduring gift of fruitcake.
One Liner
Wife to husband: “This Christmas let’s give each other sensible gifts like ties and fur coats.”
At a former job on Bosss Day, my direct reports got together and bought a beautiful small, engraved plaque telling me they appreciated my leadership. At the bottom of the plaque was engraved a scripture reference. I went to the Bible Gateway to look it up.
What they intended was 1 Thess 1:3, “We remember before our God and Father your work produced by faith, your labor prompted by love, and your endurance inspired by hope in our Lord Jesus Christ.
What the engraver put instead was 1 Thess 3:1, which reads “So when we could stand it no longer, we thought it best to be left by ourselves in Athens.
My assistant heard me laughing and I told her what it said. A few minutes later the red-faced manager who had ordered the plaque came to retrieve it. It was fixed the same day.
I still laugh every time I think about that one.
One Liner
Experience: The name people give to their mistakes.
HOME REMEDIES
1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don’t panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage will be almost instantly removed.
2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.
4. High blood pressure sufferers: Simply cut yourself and bleed for awhile, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.
5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep when you hit the snooze button.
6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.
7. Have a bad tooth ache? Hit your thumb with a hammer, then you will forget about the tooth ache.
One Liner
A thief broke into my house last night. He started searching for money so I woke up and searched with him.
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother has several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, “Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?”
Her mother replied, “Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.” The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, “Momma, how come ALL of grandma’s hairs are white?”
One Liner
A little girl was wearing one of those Medical Alert bracelets. Her new teacher asked her what the bracelet was for.
She replied, “I’m allergic to nuts and eggs.”
The teacher asked, “Are you allergic to cats?”
The girl replied, “I don’t know….. I don’t eat cats.”
mikeshumor 