Nurse: Doctor, doctor! The man you’ve just treated collapsed on the front step! What should I do?

Doctor: Turn him around so it looks like he was just arriving!

One Liner
I have a speech impediment … my foot.

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon. Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

– The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
– The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
– The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
– The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the minister reported the following results:

– The first worm in alcohol – Dead.
– The second worm in cigarette smoke – Dead.
– Third worm in chocolate syrup – Dead.
– Fourth worm in good clean soil – Alive.

Just then a little old woman in the back quickly raised her hand and said, “I get it! As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won’t have worms!”

One Liner
Are children ever ruly?

The young boy was spending a Sunday afternoon with his grandpa. Looking at pictures of his grandpa in his military uniform, the boy asked, “Grandpa, did you ever kill anyone in the war?”

“No champ, I never did.”

“That’s a good thing.”

“You’re telling me,” began grandpa, “I was the cook!”

One Liner
All food is “Fat-Free” if you don’t eat it.

A salesman was going door to door trying to sell his wares. As he walked up to the next house, he noticed a small boy sitting on the front steps.

“Is your mother home?” the salesman asked the small boy.

“Yeah, she’s home,” the boy said, scooting over to let him past.

The salesman rang the doorbell, got no response, knocked once, then again. Still no one came to the door. Turning to the boy, the fellow said, “I thought you said your mother was home!?”

The kid replied, “She is; but this isn’t where I live.”

One Liner
Funny sign seen …. from a septic tank cleaning service:
We’re the #1 company for the #2 business!

“This house,” said the real estate salesman, “has both its good points and its bad points. To show you I’m honest, I’m going to tell you about both.

The disadvantages are that there is a chemical plant one block south and a slaughterhouse a block north.”

“What are the advantages?” inquired the prospective buyer.

“The advantage is that you can always tell which way the wind is blowing.”

One Liner
Studies have shown that cows produce more milk when the farmer talks to them. It’s a case of in one ear and out the udder.

Of course, our Chinese New Year dinner was all Chinese food, including fortune cookies. I had 2 cookies.  

The message in the first cookie was:

“You inspire others with your principles.”

And, in case I became too inflated with myself, the second one was:

“Improve yourself. Practice makes perfect.”

Humbled for another year!

One Liner
It doesn’t matter what temperature the room is, it’s always room temperature.