When my sister Andrea got married, she asked to wear my mother’s wedding dress.

The day she tried it on for the first time I was sitting with Mother in the living room as Andrea descended the stairs. The gown was a perfect fit on her petite frame. Mother’s eyes welled with tears. I put my arm around her.

“You’re not losing a daughter,” I reminded her in time-honored fashion. “You’re gaining a son.”

“Oh, forget about that!” she said with a sob. “I used to fit into that dress!”

One Liner

“If a book about failures doesn’t sell, is it a success?”

The seven-year old told her mom that a little boy in her class asked her to play doctor.

“Oh, dear,” the mother nervously sighed. “What happened, honey?”

“Nothing, he made me wait 45 minutes and then double-billed the insurance company.”

One Liner

I have Kleptomania, but I’m taking something for it.

Visiting St Patrick’s Cathedral on a tour of New York City, my daughter and her children were awed by the sight. The kids were especially curious about the votive candles, so my daughter asked if they’d each like to light one.

She explained that is it customary to say a prayer of petition or thanks, and she was careful to tell them that these are not like birthday candles. “Do you have any questions?” she asked.

“No,” said the 5-year-old, “but if there’s a pony outside, it’s mine.”

One Liner

The best auto safety device is a rear-view mirror with a police car in it.

In one small rural town the sheriff also fulfilled the role of the town’s veterinarian. One night the phone rang, and his wife answered. 

An agitated voice inquired, “Is your husband there?”

“He is, but tell me, do you need him as the sheriff or the vet?” the wife asked.

“Both!” was the reply. “We can’t get our dog’s mouth open, and there’s a burglar in it!”

One Liner

Did you hear about the fire in the shoe factory? 10,000 soles were lost. The police said some heels started it.

Me to the postal carrier: This empty envelope must be from my sister Charlotte.

Postal carrier: Now why would she send you an empty envelope?

Me: We had an argument, and she’s not talking to me.

One Liner

Dad, are we pyromaniacs? Yes, we arson. 

Blanche: Herb, if you don’t stop snoring, I’m going to toss you out on your ear!

Herb: Does it upset you that much?

Blanche: Not just me, the entire congregation.

One Liner

I always knew I’d get old. How fast it happened was a bit of a surprise, though.