My kindergarten-aged daughter suddenly announced just before school that she needed to take a clean tee shirt to class. She told us the teacher was going to iron an anti-drug message on it.

My wife frantically swept through my daughter’s room, finding nothing usable but one tee shirt that already had something printed on one side. She sent it off to school with my daughter.

That afternoon, my daughter returned and happily showed off her shirt.

On one side it said, “Families are Forever.”

And on the other, “Be Smart, Don’t Start.”

One Liner

People are forever calling me a hypochondriac, and, let me tell you, that just makes me sick.

One afternoon a waiter served a bowl of chicken soup to an elderly gentleman. As he turned away to return to the kitchen the customer stopped him, calling: “Waiter!”

WAITER: “Yes, sir, is there something wrong?”
CUSTOMER: “The soup. Taste it.”
WAITER: “I beg your pardon, Sir?”
CUSTOMER: “Taste it.”
WAITER: “But, Sir, I can assure you that the soup is excellent.”
CUSTOMER: “Taste it.”
WAITER: “Sir, the soup was made this morning of the finest ingredients.”
CUSTOMER: “Taste it!”
WAITER: exasperated, “All right, Sir, I’ll taste it.”

Then after a pause he said, “Where is the spoon?”

To which the customer replied triumphantly, “Ah ha!!”

One Liner

I can’t wait to set the clocks back this weekend, and get an extra hour of unable to sleep.

The seven-year-old told her mom that a little boy in her class asked her to play doctor.

“Oh,dear,” the mother nervously sighed. “What happened, honey?”

“Nothing, he made me wait 45 minutes and then double-billed the insurance company.”

One Liner

Why must I prove I am me when I call to pay my bill? Do strangers call to pay my bills? If so, why don’t you let them?

WHAT AN ENGINEER SAYS (AND WHAT IT MEANS)

A number of different approaches are being tried. (We are still grasping at straws.)

We’re working on a fresh approach to the problem. (We just hired three kids fresh out of college.)

Major technological breakthrough. (It works OK, but looks very hi-tech.)

Customer satisfaction upon delivery is assured. (We are so far behind schedule the customer is happy to get it delivered.)

Preliminary operational tests were inconclusive. (The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch.)

Test results were extremely gratifying. (We are so surprised that the stupid thing works.)

The entire concept will have to be abandoned. (The only person who understood the thing quit.)

It is in process. (It is so wrapped up in red tape that the situation is about hopeless.)

We’ll look into it. (Forget it! We have enough problems for now.)

Give us the benefit of your thoughts. (We’ll listen to what you have to say as long as it doesn’t interfere with what we’ve already done.)

Give us your interpretation. (I can’t wait to hear this!)

Low maintenance. (Impossible to fix if broken.)

One Liner

Sorry I acted crazy. It will happen again.

A young kid found an old lamp. As always the lamp was rubbed and a genie appeared granting 3 wishes.

Genie: I will grant you three wishes!

Kid: I wish math didn’t exist.

Genie: DONE! You have no more wishes.

One Liner

Ron once worked at a Chicago pizza shop to get by. He kneaded the dough.

Two older women, Colleen and Melinda, who were rivals in a social circle met at a party at their country club.

“My dear,” said Melinda, “Are those real pearls?”

“They are,” replied Colleen.

“Of course the only way I could tell would be for me to bite them,” smiled Melinda.

Colleen responded, “Yes, but for that you would need real teeth.”

One Liner

Rice is great when you’re hungry and you want 2,000 of something.

Little Dewey went fishing with his dad, who had his fishing license on the back of his hat. 

After a while they had caught no fish when Little Dewey offered the following suggestion: “Dad, turn your hat around so the fish can see your license.” 

One Liner

I insist on instant gratification, no matter how long it takes.