Dispatching her ten-year-old son to pick up a pizza, my sister handed him money and a two-dollar coupon.

Later he came home with the pizza and the coupon. 

When asked to explain, he replied, “Mom, I had enough money. I didn’t need the coupon.”

One Liner

The duck goes into the drugstore to buy some Chapstick, and the cashier asks how he’s going to pay for it. The duck says, “Put it on my bill.”

My three year old was saying his nightly prayers in a very low voice.

“I can’t hear you,” I whispered.

He said firmly, “Wasn’t talking to you.”

One Liner

As William Shakespeare died in 1616, I believe he should be referred to in the past tense: Wouldiwas Shookspeared

Debra was shopping at a produce stand in her neighborhood. She approached the vendor and asked, “How much are these oranges?”

“Two for a dollar,” answered the vendor.

“How much is just one?” she asked.

“Sixty cents,” answered the vendor.

“Then I’ll take the other one,” said Debra.

One Liner

Be careful or you’ll end up in my sermon.

Years ago, when those digital signature/PIN pad gizmos were relatively new, I was in a checkout line at Walmart in Decatur, Texas. There was a sweet old lady in front of me, following the instructions the cashier patiently gave. With a bit of assistance, she’d managed to swipe her card and scrawl a signature with that awkward plastic pen.

Now the machine awaited confirmation, the typical “OK” and “Cancel” buttons displaying on its monochrome screen. “You have to tell it ‘OK’,” the cashier said.

The lady looked dubiously at the cashier, then at the newfangled gizmo. She gently cupped it with her hands, leaned forward, and said, “Ohhhh kaaayyyyy.”

Incredibly, the cashier kept a straight face as she tapped the ‘OK’ button for her client and wished her a great day. The cashier and I didn’t laugh until we had watched her shuffle away and I said, “I think that just changed my life.”

One Liner

Overall, chickens have probably flown further as an airline meal than they have as a species.

A customer at Green’s Gourmet Grocery marveled at the proprietor’s quick wit and intelligence.

“Tell me, Green, what makes you so smart?”

“I wouldn’t share my secret with just anyone,” Green replies, lowering his voice so the other shoppers won’t hear. “But since you’re a good and faithful customer, I’ll let you in on it. Fish heads. You eat enough of them, you’ll be positively brilliant.”

“You sell them here?” the customer asks.

“Only $4 apiece,” says Morris.

The customer buys three. A week later, he’s back in the store complaining that the fish heads were disgusting and he isn’t any smarter.

“You didn’t eat enough, ” says Green. The customer goes home with 20 more fish heads. Two weeks later, he’s back and this time he’s really angry.

“Hey, Green,” he says, “You’re selling me fish heads for $4 apiece when I just found out I can buy the whole fish for $2. You’re ripping me off!”

“You see?” says Morris. “You’re smarter already.”

One Liner

Yesterday my husband thought he saw a cockroach in the kitchen; he sprayed everything down and cleaned thoroughly. Today I’m putting the cockroach in the bathroom.

I think the lady at the airline counter just threatened me.

She looked me dead in the eye and said,”展indow or aisle?”

I laughed in her face and replied, “Window or you’ll what?”

One Liner

I made a huge to-do list for today. Just not sure who’s gonna do it.

On a wintry day, my 90-year-old father was in the supermarket trying to pay for his groceries. Bundled up against the cold, his gloved hands were having trouble retrieving and counting the exact change. 

The transaction evidently took too long for the man behind him in line, who muttered a curse. 

Dad stopped counting, turned around, and warned, “Be quiet or I’ll write a check.”

One Liner

Shoutout to everyone who can remember their childhood phone number but can’t remember a password they set up yesterday. You are my people.