An eccentric philosophy professor gave a one question final exam.  He picked up his chair, plopped it on his desk, and wrote on the board: “Using everything we have learned this semester, prove that this chair does not exist.”

Pencils flew, erasers erased, notebooks were filled; some students wrote over 30 pages.

One student finished in less than a minute. He earned an A for his two word answer: “What chair?”

One liner

Old age comes at a bad time. You finally know everything just in time to forget it.

A five-year-old boy had never spoken a word, ever. One afternoon, as he sat eating his lunch he turned to his mother and said, “Soup’s cold.”

She was astonished, and said, “Honey, I’ve waited so long to hear you speak. But all these years you never said a thing. Why haven’t you spoken before?”

The boy looked at her and replied, “Up until now, everything’s been okay.”

One Liner

A friend asked what parenting toddlers is like. So, I hid her keys, headbutted her in the face, and then told her I love her more than the stars.

A man running a little behind schedule arrives at the movie theater, goes in to watch the movie that has already started, and as his eyes adjust to the darkness, he is surprised to see a dog sitting beside its master in the row ahead, intently watching the movie.

It even seemed to be enjoying the movie: wagging its tail in the happy bits, drooping its ears at the sad bits, and hiding its eyes with its paws at the scary bits.

After the movie, the man approaches the dog’s owner, “Wow, your dog really seemed to enjoy the movie. I’m amazed!”

“Yes, I can’t believe it myself,” came the reply. “He hated the book.”

One Liner

I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.

A trusted aid was counseling the senator, “Some of your constituents are beginning to disagree with you.”

The senator replied, “Keep tabs on them. When enough disagree with me to constitute a reliable majority, I’ll turn around and agree with them.”

One Liner

Don’t bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head. That’ll freak you right out. 

A police car pulled up in front of grandma Bessie’s house, and grandpa got out. The polite policeman explained that the elderly gentleman said that he was lost in the park and couldn’t find his way home.

“Morris,” said grandma, “You’ve been going to that park for over 30 years! How come you get lost today?”

Leaning close to grandma, so that the policeman couldn’t hear, grandpa whispered,

“I wasn’t lost. I was just too tired to walk home.”

One Liner

As a Superhero I would be “Typoman” … the writer of wrongs!

A pretty lonely guy decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. 

After some discussion, he decided on a centipede, which came in a little white box to use for its house. He took the centipede home, found a good location for the box home, and then decided he would start off by taking his new pet to a restaurant to have dinner. 

So he asked the centipede in the box, “Would you like to go to McDonald’s with me to have dinner?” But there was no answer from his new pet. This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, “How about going to McDonald’s with me?” But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. 

So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask him one more time; this time putting his face up against the centipede’s house and shouting, “Hey, in there! Would you like to go to McDonald’s with me to have dinner?” 

A little voice came out of the box: “I heard you the first time! I’m putting on my shoes!!”

One Liner

Why don’t eggs tell jokes? They crack themselves up.