My husband Brian is a computer systems administrator. He is dedicated to his job and works long hours, rarely taking time off for meals.

One afternoon, Brian was overwhelmed with solving computer network problems, so I decided to deliver a meal for him to eat at his workstation.

When I was getting ready to leave, I said good-bye and reminded him to eat his burger and fries while they were still warm.

Staring at his monitor, he waved me away. “Don’t worry,” he said, obviously distracted, “I’ll delete them in a few minutes.”

One Liner

You’re never too old to learn something stupid. 

A little boy was afraid of the dark. One night his mother asked him to go out to the back porch and bring her the broom.

He said, “Mama, I don’t want to go out there. It’s dark.”

The mother smiled and said, “You don’t have to be afraid of the dark. Jesus is out there. He’ll look after you and protect you.”

The boy looked at his mother real hard and asked, “Are you sure he’s out there?”

“Yes, I’m sure. He is everywhere, and he is always ready to help you when you need him,” she said.

The little boy thought about that for a minute and then went to the back door and cracked it a little. Peering out into the darkness, he called: “Jesus? Would you please hand me the broom?”

One Liner

You can distinguish between an alligator and a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or after a while.

A customer walks into a dress shop and ask, “May I try on that dress in the window?”

The salesperson replies, “We prefer you use the dressing rooms.”

One Liner

Text without context is pretext. 

Cop: You know how fast you were going?

Guy: Sorry officer, I was just trying to catch up with traffic.

Cop: What traffic? The road is empty.

Guy: Yea, that’s how far behind I am.

One Liner

Talk is cheap, until you hire a lawyer. 

One Sunday a minister preached about shepherds.  He explained that sheep need lots of guidance, and that a shepherd’s job is to stay close to the sheep, protect them from wild animals, and keep them from wandering off.  He said that the people of the church were God’s sheep.  Then he asked, “If you are the sheep, who is the shepherd?”  (He was pretty obviously indicating himself.)

After a few seconds, a young boy piped up: “Jesus! Jesus is the shepherd.”

The minister, caught by surprise, asked, “Well, then, who am I?”

The boy frowned thoughtfully.  “I guess you must be a sheep dog.”

One Liner

Strangers are friends you haven’t bled for an easy twenty yet.

A man came into the pharmacy and said to the technician, “Do you have anything that will stop hiccups?” 

The tech leaned over the counter and slapped the man’s face. 

The man said “What did you do that for?” 

The tech replied, “Well, you don’t have any hiccups now, do you?” 

The man replied, “I never did. I came in for my wife out in the car.” 

One Liner

I was told that 70% of the population is stupid. I’m obviously with the other 40%.

Miss Jones had been giving her second-grade students a lesson on science. She had explained about magnets and showed how they would pick up nails and other bits of iron. 

Now it was question time, and she asked, “My name begins with the letter ‘M’ and I pick up things. What am I?” 

Little Johnny in the front row proudly said, “You’re a mother!” 

One Liner

Adam and Eve must have had a great marriage. Adam couldn’t talk about his Mother’s cooking, and Eve couldn’t mention all the men she could have married.

SO PUNNY

Ratio of an igloo’s circumference to its diameter: Eskimo Pi

2000 pounds of Chinese soup: Won ton

Weight an evangelist carries with God: 1 billigram

Half of a large intestine: 1 semicolon

1000 aches: 1 kilohurtz

Basic unit of laryngitis: 1 hoarsepower

1 million microphones: 1 megaphone

2000 mockingbirds: two kilomockingbirds

52 cards: 1 decacards

3.45 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital:  1 I.V. League

One Liner

You can walk around Walmart and eat grapes and nobody bothers you, but as soon as you eat a rotisserie chicken, here comes security.