In his Sunday sermon, the minister used “Forgive Your Enemies” as his subject. After the sermon, he asked how many were willing to forgive their enemies. About half held up their hands. 

Not satisfied, he harangued the congregation for another twenty minutes and repeated his question. This received a response of eighty percent. Still unsatisfied, he lectured for fifteen more minutes and repeated his question. All responded except one elderly gentleman in the rear. 

“Mr. Jones, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?” 

“I don’t have any.” 

“Mr. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?” 

“One hundred and one.”  

“Mr. Jones, please come down in front and tell the congregation how a man can live to be one hundred and one and not have an enemy in the world.” 

The old man teetered down the aisle, slowly turned to face the congregation, smiled and said, “I outlived every one of them!”

One Liner

When someone asks you, “A penny for your thoughts,” and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny? 98

A young seminary student went home for Christmas break. A horrible snowstorm stranded the regular minister in another town. The leaders of the congregation asked the young man to substitute for the regular minister. 

The young preacher started his sermon by explaining the meaning of a substitute. “If you break a window,” he said, “and then place a piece of plywood over the hole — that’s a substitute.” 

After the sermon, a well-intentioned woman wished to compliment the young man. As she enthusiastically shook his hand, she said: “You were no substitute. You were a real pane.” 

One Liner

My new year’s resolution is to read more.  So, I’ve permanently turned on the TV subtitles.

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, “Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.”

“Yes,” the class said.

“Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn’t run into my feet?”

A little fellow shouted, “Cause your feet ain’t empty.”

One Liner

Chocolate is God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.

There once was a rich man who was near death. He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money and he wanted to be able to take it with him to heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him.

An angel hears his plea and appears to him, “Sorry, but you can’t take your wealth with you.”

The man implores the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules.

The man continues to pray that his wealth could follow him. The angel reappears and informs the man that God has decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase and fills it with pure gold bars and places it beside his bed.

Soon afterward the man dies and shows up at the Gates of Heaven to greet St. Peter. Seeing the suitcase Peter says, “Hold on, you can’t bring that in here!”

But the man explains to him that he has permission and asks him to verify his story with the Lord. Sure enough,. Peter checks and comes back saying, “You’re right. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but I’m supposed to check its contents before letting it through.”

Peter opens the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious to leave behind and exclaims, “You brought pavement?!?!” 

One Liner

You can tell whether a man is clever by his answers. You can tell whether a man is wise by his questions.

Negotiations between union members and their employer were at an impasse. The union denied that their workers were flagrantly abusing their contract’s sick-leave provisions.

One morning at the bargaining table, the company’s chief negotiator held aloft the morning edition of the newspaper.

“This man,” he announced, “Called in sick yesterday!”

There on the sports page, was a photo of the supposedly ill employee, who had just won a local golf tournament with an excellent score.

The silence in the room was broken by a union negotiator. “Wow,” he said. “Think of what kind of score he could have had if he hadn’t been sick!”

One Liner

Nowadays, Lance is not a common name. But in medieval times, people were called Lance a lot.

A couple were going out for the evening. They’d got ready, all dressed up, set the lights, and put the cat put out.

Their Uber arrives, and as the couple opened the front door, the cat zips back in between their legs and disappears up the stairs.  They don’t want the cat shut in the house, so the wife goes out to the car while the husband goes upstairs to find the cat and put it out.

The wife, worried abut some recent break-ins in their neighborhood and not wanting it known that the house will be empty, explains to the Uber driver “He’s just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother.”

A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab apologetically, “Sorry I took so long” he says, “Stupid old thing was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger and grab her by the scruff of the neck to get her to come out! Then she slipped away and ran into the closet, but I quickly trapped her in the corner and got a good hold on her.”

One Liner

Wrinkles mean you laughed; grey hair mean you care; scars mean you lived; a large rear end means you love tacos.