Four members of the clergy had a theological argument, with the three male ministers siding against the female minister. 

The woman prayed, “Lord, I know I’m right. Please send us a divine sign to prove it.” A big storm cloud materialized and there was a clap of thunder. 

“See,” said the woman. “It’s a sign from above.” The three clergymen disagreed, saying thunder is a common phenomenon.

“Dear Lord,” the woman prayed, “I need a bigger sign.” This time, a bolt of lightning slammed into a tree. 

“See! I told you I was right,” the woman said. But the men insisted nothing had happened that couldn’t be explained by natural causes.

“Help me, Lord,” the woman implored. And a deep voice came from the heavens: “SSSHHHEEE’S RRRIIIGGGHHHTTT!”

The woman turned to the three clergymen and asked, “Well?”

“Okay, okay,” they said. “Now it’s three against two.”

One Liner

First rule of cleaning while listening to music: The toilet brush is never a microphone…NEVER!

Two businessmen walk into a diner in the countryside. They have decided to stop there for lunch, so without ordering anything they sit down, take out sandwiches from their bags and begin to eat them.

The waiter sees this and says to them, “You can’t eat your own sandwiches in here!”

So the businessmen look at each other, shrug, and swap sandwiches.

One Liner

I keep adjusting the brightness control on my TV but it’s still as stupid as ever.

MURPHY’S TECHNOLOGY LAWS

~ Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence.

~ All’s well that ends.

~ A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept and the hours are lost.

~ New systems generate new problems.

~ The faster a computer is, the faster it will reach a crashed state.

~ The primary function of the design engineer is to make things difficult for the fabricator and impossible for the serviceman.

~ To spot the expert, pick the one who predicts the job will take the longest and cost the most.

~ After all is said and done, a lot more is said than done.

~ Work smarder and not harder and be careful of yor speling.

~ If it’s not in the computer, it doesn’t exist.

~ Any simple theory will be worded in the most complicated way.

~ Any attempt to print Murphy’s laws will jam the printer.

One Liner

I told my suitcases that there will be no vacation this year. Now I’m dealing with emotional baggage.

At the airport check-in counter I overheard a woman ask for window seats for both she and her husband.

The clerk pointed out that this would prevent them for sitting together.

“Sweetie,” the woman replied, “I’ve just spent 10 days of quality time in a compact rental car with this man. I KNOW what I’m requesting!”

One Liner

A teacher’s worst nightmare…tying a wet shoelace when it hasn’t been raining.

Old Mr. Smith, the school’s principal, made it a practice to visit the classrooms one day a week. 

He walked into the 4th grade class, where the children were studying the states, and asked them how many states they could name. They came up with about 40 names. Mr. Smith jokingly told them that in his day students knew the names of all the states.

Little Johnny raised his hand and said, “Yes sir, but in those days there were only 13 states.”

One Liner

What was the most popular dance in 1776? IndepenDANCE

One year, Little Johnny’s family was having the “extended family” 4th of July cookout at their home. One of the special treats that year was the lighting of the fireworks (Roman candles, bottle rockets, missile batteries, etc.) they had bought out of state (they’re illegal in their state, of course!)

Just before they were to arrive, a cousin calls, saying their neighbor’s plans had just fallen through, and could they bring them along to the picnic – they even had extra food to bring
“Sure, the more the merrier!”

Upon arrival and meeting of their cousin’s neighbor, it is discovered that he’s a police officer. The father turns as innocently as he can to Johnny and whispers to him to grab the paper bag of fireworks sitting in the kitchen and hide them somewhere quickly. Johnny disappears, and the father changes the topic to food for the day. This family had brought some chicken to grill, so the father tells them the gas grill is all set to use out back – just turn on the gas and push the ignition button with the lid still closed.

They head out to the back as Johnny comes back in through the front door. The father hurries to him and says “Whew, that was close!  That man’s a police officer, and he almost saw the fireworks. Did you hide them real well?”

“Oh, yeah, nobody will ever think to look in the grill!”

One Liner

A book never written: “The Parts of the National Anthem” by Homer D. Brave.