Rose accompanied her husband Tom to his annual checkup.
While Tom was getting dressed, the doctor came out and said to Rose, “I don’t like the way he looks.”
“Neither do I,” she said. “But he’s handy around the house.”
One Liner
Every time you light a lighter, your lighter gets lighter until your lighter gets so light it won’t light.
A boy read a restaurant sign that advertised fat-free French fries.
“Sounds great,” said the health-conscious boy. He ordered some.
He watched as the cook pulled a basket of fries from the fryer. The potatoes were dripping with oil when the cook put them into the container.
“Wait a minute,” the boy said. “Those don’t look fat-free.”
“Sure they are,” the cook said. “We charge only for the potatoes. The fat is free.”
One Liner
I came. I saw. I forgot what I was doing. Retraced my steps. Got lost on the way back. Now I have no idea what’s going on.
Kid: “Dad, I’m tired. Would you please do my homework for me?”
Dad: “Son, it just wouldn’t be right.”
Kid: “That’s okay, but you could at least give it a try, couldn’t you?”
One Liner
I cleaned the house today, so if you could stop living there, that’d be great.
I used to work in an art supply store. We sold artists’ canvas by the yard, and you could get it in either of two widths: 36 inches or 48 inches.
Customer: “Can you please cut some canvas for me?”
Me: “Certainly, what width?”
Customer (confused and slightly annoyed): “Um, scissors??”
One Liner
Describe yourself in three words: 1. Lazy
Doctor: “Have you been drinking fluids?”
Patient: “Jeez, Doc, that’s literally all I drink.”
One Liner
If you know me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. We were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from
his mother. The note read:
“The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his
parents.”
One Liner
Dropping Latin phrases into conversations to make me sound smart is my modus
operandi.
A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, “I’m Mr. Sugarbrown’s daughter.” Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, “I’m Jane Sugarbrown.”
The pastor spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, “Aren’t you Mr. Sugarbrown’s daughter?”
She replied, “I thought I was, but mother says I’m not.”
One Liner
It disgusts me the way some people cheat on their income taxes. This is NOT the kind of world in which I want to raise my 32 dependents!
When my wife caught me standing on the bathroom scales, sucking in my stomach, she laughed, “Ha! That’s not going to help!”
I replied, “Sure, it does. It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”
One Liner
A co-worker asked me, Could you be any more annoying? So, the next day I wore tap shoes to work.
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