Noah opens up the ark and let all the animals out, telling them to “Go forth and multiply!”

He’s closing the great doors of the ark when he notices that there are two snakes sitting in a dark corner.

So he says to them, “Didn’t you hear me? You can go now. Go forth and multiply.”

“We can’t,” said the snakes. “We’re adders.”

[think hard]

One Liner

Sure worry works: 98% of the things I worry about don’t happen.

A lady sent in a long obituary. The paper called and told her the cost was so much per word.

“Oh, my” she said, “Just change that to ‘George died.'”

The paper then told her that there was a five word minimum.

“Well,” she said, “make that ‘George died, Buick for sale.'”

One Liner

I accidentally gave my wife a glue stick instead of her lipstick. She still isn’t talking to me.

Okay, what is the deal with “The early bird gets the worm”? 

He gets up early, and all he gets is a worm? It says “the worm,” which means one single worm. That seems not very fair, for a bird that goes through the trouble of getting up early.

Myself, I would rather sleep late and get the “worm and grub” brunch special at the local diner. I can’t imagine that an early 5:00 AM worm is going to taste that much better than a plate of later 11:00 AM worms.

And, speaking of which, what’s the deal with the early worm? He gets up early, to get a start on the day, because he has loads of work to do, and he gets eaten by a bird! Where is the moral of the story, when the lazy worms don’t get eaten? Isn’t that hypocritical? Seems to me that all the smart worms either work nights, or sleep late and get up after lunch. 

Isn’t that sending the wrong message to our kids?

One Liner

I really am going to conquer my problem with procrastinating. You just wait and see.

Little Susie came home from school whining, “Mommy, I’ve got a stomachache.”

“That’s because your stomach is empty,” her mother replied. “You’d feel better if you had something in it.”

She gave Susie a snack and, sure enough, Susie felt better right away.

That evening when Daddy came home, he said he had a bad headache.

Susie perked up. “That’s because it’s empty,” she said. “You’d feel better if you had something in it.”

One Liner

My train of thought sometimes leaves the station without me.

The tot had just been put to bed for the umpteenth time and his mother’s patience was wearing thin.

“I don’t want to hear you call ‘Mother’ one more time!” she warned him sternly.

After a few minutes of quiet, a small voice came from upstairs: “Mrs. Jones? Can I have a drink of water?”

One Liner

I AM in shape. Round is a shape. 

The Judge warned the witness, “Do you understand that you have sworn to tell the truth?”

“I do.”

“Do you understand what will happen if you are not truthful?”

“Sure,” said the witness. “My side will win.”

One Liner

I’m having an out-of-money experience. 

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. 

One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, “Now don’t get mad at me….I know we’ve been friends for a long time…..but I just can’t think of your name! I’ve thought and thought, but I can’t remember it. Please tell me what your name is.” Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, “How soon do you need to know?” 

One Liner

How do I set my laser printer on stun?