TOP TEN SIGNS YOU ARE IN FOR A LONG SERMON

10. There’s a case of bottled water beside the pulpit in a cooler.

9. The pews have camper hookups.

8. You overhear the pastor telling the sound man to have a few (dozen!) extra tapes on hand to record today’s sermon.

7. The preacher has brought a snack to the pulpit.

6. The preacher breaks for an intermission.

5. The bulletins have pizza delivery menus.

4. When the preacher asks the deacon to bring in his notes, he rolls in a filing cabinet.

3. The choir loft is furnished with recliners.

2. Instead of taking off his watch and laying it on the pulpit, the preacher turns up a four-foot hourglass.

1. The minister says, “You’ll be out in time to watch the Super Bowl” and it’s September.

One Liner

Optimist:  “It doesn’t get any better than this!” 
Pessimist: “That’s what I’m afraid of.”

IF DOGS WROTE LETTERS TO GOD…

Dear God: Why do humans smell the flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another?

Dear God: When we get to heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it still the same old story?

Dear God: If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog?

Dear God: How come there’s so much spaghetti and so few meatballs?

Dear God: Are there mailmen in Heaven? If so, will I have to apologize?

One Liner

If you’re hard of hearing, it helps to read lips. Just don’t use one of those yellow highlighters.

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“Excuse me,” a young fellow said to an older man, “I’ve just moved here and I wonder if this town has any criminal lawyers?”

“Well,” replied the older man, “I have lived here all my life and all I can tell you is we are pretty sure we do, but no one has been able to prove it yet.”

One Liner

Dictionary: The only place where success comes before work.

One evening, a bird-lover stood in his backyard and hooted like an owl — and an owl called back to him!  They had a whole “conversation.”

He tried it again the next night, and the next — and the owl always answered.  He was fascinated.

Sometime later his wife had a chat with her next door neighbor. “My husband spends his nights … calling out to owls,” she said.

“That’s odd,” the neighbor replied. “So does my husband.”

Just then it dawned on them.

One Liner

The way to achieve inner peace is to finish the things we have started. Today I finished a Krispy Kreme, 2 bags of potato chips and a chocolate cake. I feel better already…

A friend of mine joined the Navy and soon after had to attend a wedding. He asked an officer for a pass and was told he had to be back by 7 p.m. Sunday.

“You don’t understand, sir,” my friend said. “I’m in the wedding.”

“No, YOU don’t understand,” the officer replied. “You’re in the Navy.”

One Liner

The early bird gets the worm. But the second mouse gets the cheese. 

A husband took his young daughter to the grocery store with him. In addition to the healthful items on the carefully prepared shopping list, they returned with a box of sugar-laden cookies.

The man noticed the glare of his wife and said, “This box of cookies has one-third fewer calories than usual.”

“Why is that?” the mother asked.

“We ate a third of the cookies on the way home,” he replied.

One Liner

Kids today don’t know how easy they have it.  When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.

Paul: What are you making?

Arthur: A brilliant new invention. 

Paul: Ha, ha, ha, ha!

Arthur: Go ahead and laugh. They laughed at Edison, they laughed at Bell,
they laughed at Geck.

Paul: Who’s Geck?

Arthur: You mean you never heard of Charles Geck?
.
Paul: No, what did he invent?

Arthur: Nothing, but they sure laughed at him.

One Liner

I have friends who exercise every day. I’m watching a TV show I don’t like
because the remote fell on the floor.

At a Texas Dude Ranch:

Tenderfoot: “Can we ride some horses now?”

Cowpoke: “Sure.  You want a Western or English saddle?”

Tenderfoot: “What’s the difference?”

Cowpoke: “The Western saddle is the one with the horn.”

Tenderfoot: “The one without the horn is fine.  I don’t expect we’ll run
into too much traffic.”

One Liner

A dog accepts you as the boss. A cat wants to see your resume.