Two police officers, who are part of a task force, arrive at a cattle ranch.

The officers tell the rancher, “We need to inspect your ranch for illegally-grown drugs.”

The old rancher says, “Okay, but don’t go in that field over there.”

One of the officers verbally explodes saying, “Mister, we have the authority of the state government with us.” 

Reaching into his rear pocket and removing his badge, the agent proudly displays it to the farmer, “See this badge? This badge means we are allowed to go wherever we wish on any land. No questions asked nor answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?”

The old rancher nods politely and goes about his chores. Later, the old rancher hears loud screams and spies the two officers running for their lives and close behind is the rancher’s bull.

With every step the bull is gaining ground on the agents. They are clearly terrified. The old rancher immediately throws down his tools, runs to the fence, and yells at the top of his lungs:

“Your badges! Show him your badges!”

One Liner

So, you drive across town to a gym to walk on a treadmill?

An old wild west fort was about to be attacked. The wily old general sent for his trusty Sioux scout.

“You must use all your thirty years of skill in trying to estimate the sort of army we are up against here.”

The trusty scout laid down and put his ear to the ground.

“Large war party,” he said, “maybe three hundred braves, four chiefs, two on black stallions, two on white stallions. All have war paint; Many many guns. Medicine man also with them.”

“Good grief!” exclaimed the general, “you can tell all of that just by listening to the ground?”

“No,” replied the Indian, “I can see under the gate.”

One Liner

A kiss is a pleasant reminder that two heads are better than one.

A company owner was asked a question, “How do you motivate your employees to be so punctual?”

He smiled & replied, “It’s simple. I have 30 employees and 29 free parking spaces. One is paid parking.”

One Liner

One minute you’re young and fun. Next, you’re turning down the car stereo to see better.

“You just go ahead,” the man in the shopping mall said to his wife. “While you’re shopping, I’ll browse in the hardware store.”

An hour later, she returned and saw him at the checkout counter. The clerk was ringing up the last of a pile of tools and supplies that would fill two wheelbarrows.

“Are you buying all this?” his wife asked incredulously.

“Well, yes,” he said, embarrassed. Then waving his arm toward the interior of the store, he added, “But look at all the stuff I’m leaving behind!”

One Liner

There is a guy stealing iPhones around town. At some point he’s going to face time.

Two factory workers were talking. “I know how to get some time off from work,” said the man.

“How do you think you will do that?” said the other. He proceeded to show her by climbing up to the rafters and hanging upside down.

The boss walked in, saw the worker hanging from the ceiling, and asked him what on earth he was doing?

“I’m a light bulb” answered the guy.

“I think you need some time off,” said the boss. So, the man jumped down and walked out of the factory.

The second worker began walking out too.

The boss asked her where did she think she was going?

“Home. I can’t work in the dark.”

One Liner

Probably nothing in the world arouses more false hopes than the first four hours of a diet.