Grandma looked out her window and saw Johnnie digging a hole in his back
yard. 

She went out and asked Johnnie what he was doing. He told her he was burying
his parakeet. She said that he was digging a big hole for a little bird. 

Little Johnnie looked at her and said that the bird was in her cat.

One Liner

When I was a kid, my parents would always say, “Forgive my French” just
after a swear word. I’ll never forget my first day of French Language class.

When I was a girl my momma would send me down to the corner store with $1.00.

I’d come back with 5 potatoes, 2 loaves of bread, 3 bottles of milk, a hunk of cheese, a box of tea, and 6 eggs. 

You can’t do that now…too many security cameras.

One Liner

When I grow up I’d like to be a retired lottery winner.

Lawyer: “Well Barney, so you want me to defend you? Have you got any money?”

Barney: “No sir. I ain’t got no money, but I do get a 1928 Ford Car!”

Lawyer: “Well you can raise money on that. Now let’s see, just what do they accuse you of stealing?”

Barney: “A 1928 Ford Car.”

One Liner

I talk to myself, because sometimes I need expert advice.

My boss just texted me: “Send me one of your funny jokes!”

I texted him back: “I’m busy working. I’ll send one later.”

“That’s hilarious,” he said. “Send another one!” 

One Liner

I don’t want to adult today. I don’t even want to human today. Today, I will be a dog. I’ll be lying on the floor in the sun. Please pet me and bring snacks.

A young man and a pastor are playing a round together. At a short par 3 the pastor asks the young man, “What club are you going to use on this hole?”

The young man says, “An 8-iron, reverend. How about you?”

The pastor says, “I’m going to hit a soft seven and pray.”

The young man hits his 8-iron and puts the ball on the green.

The pastor tops his 7-iron and dribbles the ball out a few yards.

The young man says, “I don’t know about you, pastor, but in my church, when we pray, we keep our head down.”

One Liner

Jellyfish are just wet ghosts.

KIDS SAY THE FUNNIEST THINGS

“Close the curtains,” requested a tot, sitting in a pool of bright light. “The sun’s looking at me too hard.”

Someone asked a youngster when he would turn 6. He replied, “When I’m tired of being 5.”

Seeing her first hailstorm, a 3-year-old exclaimed, “Mommy, it’s raining dumplings!”

As her gramma frantically waved away a pesky fly with a white dishtowel, the granddaughter observed, “Maybe he thinks you’re surrendering.”

When  a child heard that her aunt just had a baby and it looked like her uncle, she said, “You mean he has a mustache?”

While shampooing her son, 4, the mom noted his hair was growing so fast he’d soon need it cut. He replied, “Maybe we shouldn’t water it so much.”

When complimented on her vocabulary, the 5-year-old nonchalantly responded, “I have words in my head I haven’t even used yet.”

His mom informed Brian that she was going outside to get a little sun. “But Mommy,” he gulped, “You already have a little son — me!”

When a boy reported two look-alike classmates at school, his parents said they were probably twins. The next day, he came home all bubbly and said, “Guess what? They’re not only twins, they’re brothers!”

One Liner

A teen-aged girl with spiked hair, lip rings and baggy clothes was overheard telling a friend, “I don’t really like to dress like this, but it keeps my parents from dragging me everywhere with them.”