Dear [Interviewer’s Name]: 

Thank you for your letter of [date of rejection letter]. 

After careful consideration, I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me employment with your firm.  This year I have had been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field of candidates, it is impossible for me to accept all refusals. 

Despite [Firm’s Name]’s outstanding qualifications and previous experience in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet with my needs at this time.  Therefore, I will initiate employment with your firm immediately following graduation.  I look forward to seeing you then. 

Best of luck in rejecting future candidates. 

Sincerely,
[Your Name]

One Liner

I came, I saw, I forgot what I was doing. Retraced my steps, got lost on the way back. Now I have no idea what’s going on.

A ship was wrecked during a storm at sea and only two of the men on it were able to swim to a small, desert-like island. 

The two survivors, not knowing what else to do, agreed that they had no other recourse but to pray to God. However, to find out whose prayer was more powerful, they agreed to divide the territory between them and stay on opposite sides of the island. The first thing they prayed for was food. The next morning, the first man saw a fruit-bearing tree on his side of the land, and he was able to eat its fruit. The other man’s parcel of land remained barren. 

After a week, the first man was lonely and he decided to pray for a wife. The next day, another ship wrecked nearby, and the only survivor was a woman who swam to his side of the island. On the other side of the island, there was nothing. 

Eventually the first man decided to pray for clothes and more food. The next day, all of these were given to him as the belongings from yet another shipwreck were washed ashore. However, the second man still had nothing. 

Finally, the first man prayed for a ship, so that he and his wife could leave the island. In the morning, he found that overnight a ship had anchored on his side of the island. 

The first man was welcomed aboard the ship along with his wife and he decided to say nothing of the other man, but instead leave him on the island. He considered the other man unworthy to receive God’s blessings since obviously none of his prayers had been answered… 

As the ship was about to leave, the first man heard a Voice booming, “Why are you leaving your companion on the island?” 

“My blessings are mine alone, since I was the one who prayed for them,” the first man answered. “His prayers were all unanswered and so he does not deserve anything.” 

“You are gravely mistaken!” the Voice rebuked him. “He had only one prayer, and I answered it. If it were not for his prayers, you would not have received any of MY blessings.” 

“Tell me,” the first man asked, “what did he pray for that I should owe him anything?” 

“He prayed that all your prayers would be answered.”

One Liner

An apology is the best way to have the last word.

CATS & TEENAGERS 

For all of you with teenagers or who have had teenagers, you may want to know why they really have a lot in common with cats: 

1. Neither teenagers nor cats turn their heads when you call them by name. 

2. No matter what you do for them, it is not enough. Indeed, all humane efforts are barely adequate to compensate for the privilege of waiting on them hand and foot. 

3. You rarely see a cat walking outside of the house with an adult human being, and it can be safely said that no teenager in his or her right mind wants to be seen in public with his or her parents. 

4. Even if you tell jokes as well as Jay Leno, neither your cat nor your teen will ever crack a smile. 

5. No cat or teenager shares your taste in music. 

6. Cats and teenagers can lie on the living-room sofa for hours on end without moving, barely breathing. 

7. Cats have nine lives. Teenagers live as if they did. 

8. Cats and teenagers yawn in exactly the same manner, communicating that ultimate human ecstasy — a sense of complete and utter boredom. 

9. Cats and teenagers do not improve anyone’s furniture. 

10. Cats that are free to roam outside sometimes have been known to return in the middle of the night to deposit a dead animal in your bedroom. Teenagers are not above that sort of behavior. 

Thus, if you must raise teenagers, the best sources of advice are not other parents, but veterinarians. It is also a good idea to keep a guidebook on cats at hand at all times. And remember, above all else, put out the food and do not make any sudden moves in their direction. When they make up their minds, they will finally come to you for some affection and comfort, and it will be a triumphant moment for all concerned.

One Liner

Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives.

A newlywed young man was sitting on the porch on a hot, humid day, sipping iced tea with his father.

As he talked about adult life, marriage, responsibilities, and obligations, the father thoughtfully stirred the ice cubes in his glass and cast a clear, sober look on his son.

“Never forget your friends,” he advised, “they will become more important as you get older.”

“Regardless of how much you love your family and the children you happen to have, you will always need friends. Remember to go out with them occasionally, do activities with them, call them ..”

“What strange advice!” Thought the young man. “I just entered the married world, I am an adult and surely my wife and the family that we will start will be everything I need to make sense of my life.”

Yet he obeyed his father. He kept in touch with his friends and annually increased their number. Over the years, he became aware that his father knew what he was talking about.

Inasmuch as time and nature carry out their designs and mysteries on a man, friends were the bulwarks of his life.

After 60 years of life, here is what he learned:

Time passes.

Life goes on.

Distance separates.

Children grow up and become independent; it breaks the parents’ hearts, but the children become separated from the parents.

Jobs come and go.

Illusions, desires, attraction, sex weaken.

People do not do what they should do.

The heart breaks.

Parents die.

Colleagues forget the favors.

The races are over.

But true friends are always there, no matter how many miles away they are or for how long.

A friend is never more distant than the reach of a need, intervening in your favor, waiting for you with open arms or blessing your life.

When we started this adventure called LIFE, we did not know of the incredible joys or sorrows that were ahead. We did not know how much we would need from each other. Love your parents, take care of your children, and keep a group of good friends too.

One Liner

The best mirror is a good friend. 

AGE IS A FUNNY THING 

Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we’re kids? If you’re less than 10 years old, you’re so excited about aging that you think in fractions. 

“How old are you?” 
“I’m 4 and half.” 

You’re never 36 and a half, but you are 4 and a half going on 5! That’s the key. You get into your teens, now they can’t hold you back. You jump to the next number. 

“How old are you?” 
“I’m gonna be 16.” 

You could be 12, but you’re gonna be 16. 

And then the greatest day of your life happens: you become 21. Even the words sounds like a ceremony–you BECOME 21. YES!!!! But then you turn 30. Ooohhh, what happened here?? Makes you sound like bad milk. He TURNED. We had to throw him out. There’s no fun now. What’s wrong?? What changed??? 

You BECOME 21,
you TURN 30,
then you’re PUSHING 40…stay over there, it’s all slipping away… 

You BECOME 21,
you TURN 30,
you’re PUSHING 40,
you REACH 50…my dreams are gone… 

You BECOME 21,
you TURN 30,
you’re PUSHING 40,
you REACH 50
and then you MAKE IT to 60…Whew! I didn’t think I’d make it. 

You BECOME 21,
you TURN 30,
you’re PUSHING 40,
you REACH 50,
you MAKE IT to 60,
and by then you’ve built up so much speed, you HIT 70! 

After that, it’s a day-by-day thing. You HIT Wednesday, you get into your 80s, you HIT lunch. 

I mean my grandmother won’t even buy green bananas: “Well it’s an investment, you know, and maybe a bad one.” 

And it doesn’t end there…into the 90’s, you start going backwards: I was JUST 92. Then a strange thing happens, if you make it over 100, you become a little kid again: I’m 100 and a half!! 

Age is a funny thing.

One Liner

Why put off ’til tomorrow what you’ll never do anyway?

An elderly couple were celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired.

Holding hands they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they’d shared, where Andy had carved “I love you, Sally.”

On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up, but not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money – fifty-thousand dollars!

Andy said, “We’ve got to give it back.”

Sally said, “Finders keepers.” She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.

The next day, two FBI agents were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on the door. “Pardon me, but did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?” 

Sally said, “No.”

Andy said, “She’s lying. She hid it up in the attic.”

Sally said, “Don’t believe him, he’s getting senile.”

The agents turn to Andy and began to question him.

One says: “Tell us the story from the beginning.”

Andy said, “Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday…”

The other FBI agent turns to her partner and says, “We’re outta here.”

One Liner

You know you’ve reached middle age when you when you’re cautioned to slow down by your doctor, instead of by the police.

Two guys walking on the beach found an old brass lamp.  The first guy immediately started rubbing it and, sure enough, a Genie popped out!
Before he could say anything at all, the Genie turned him into a crab.

The other guy was horrified and shouted, “Oh my gosh! Why did you do that??”

The Genie said, “Aww, he just rubbed me the wrong way.”

One Liner

When a kid says, “Daddy, I want Mommy,” that’s the kid version of, “I want to see your supervisor.”