There on the window sill was a little boy and his cat. 

The boy’s mother came to see what they were doing, and she heard the little boy preaching God’s word to his cat. So she went about her chores. 

Later she heard the cat fussing, so she went to see what was going on. The little boy had the cat in their kitchen sink full of water.  The mother told him that cats don’t like water. The boy sharply replied, “He should’ve thought of that before she joined the church!”

One Liner

To measure the quality of puns, you much use a sighsmograph.

It was my wife’s birthday and she rang me to see what time I would be home.

“Can’t talk,” I said, “I’m driving.”

“Where are you?” she asked.

She wasn’t happy when I said the 7th tee.

One Liner

Sign: Frog Parking Only. All others will be toad.

THINGS GOD WON’T ASK

~ God won’t ask what kind of car you drove, He’ll ask how many people you drove who didn’t have transportation.

~ God won’t ask the square footage of your house, He’ll ask how many people you welcomed into your home.

~ God won’t ask about the clothes you had in your closet, He’ll ask how many you helped to clothe.

~ God won’t ask what your highest salary was, He’ll ask if you compromised your character to obtain it.

~ God won’t ask what your job title was, He’ll ask if you performed your job to the best of our ability.

~ God won’t ask how many friends you had, He’ll ask how many people to whom you were a friend.

~ God won’t ask in what neighborhood you lived, He’ll ask how you treated your neighbors.

~ God won’t ask about the color of your skin, He’ll ask about the content of your character.

One Liner

Christians are like tea – their strength is drawn out by hot water.

Little Johnny’s teacher asked the students what they want to be in the future. Laurie says she wants to be a doctor.

Karen says she wanted to be a police officer and Susie says she wanted to be a rich and famous actress and model.

When the teacher asked Johnny what he wanted to do, he said, “I want to marry Susie.”

One Liner

You let them Shanan once, they’ll Shenanigan.

A father decided it was time to have “the talk” with his ten-year-old son.  Sitting the boy down, he thought it best to first find out what his son might already know. So he asked his son if he knew about “the birds and the bees”.

“I don’t want to know,” his son replied, bursting into tears. “Promise you won’t tell me.  Please!”

Confused by this reaction, the father asked his son what was wrong. 

“Oh dad”, the boy replied, in between sobs, “when I was six, I got the ‘there’s no Santa’ speech. At seven I got the ‘there’s no Easter bunny’ speech.  When I was eight, you hit me with ‘there’s no Tooth Fairy’ speech. If you are going to tell me now there’s no such things as birds and bees I don’t know what I will do!”

One Liner

If a tree falls in a forest and no one’s there to see it, a chihuahua 500 miles away will bark at it.

A woman was having a medical problem – her husband snoring.

So she called the doctor one morning and asked him if there was anything he could do to relieve her “suffering.”

“Well, there is one operation I can perform that will cure your husband, but it is really rather expensive. It will cost $18000 down, and payments of $3000 for 24 months, plus payments for extras.”

“Wow!” the woman exclaimed, “sounds like leasing a new sports car!”

“Hmmm,” the doctor murmured, “too obvious, huh?”

One Liner

I don’t have a train of thought. I have seven trains on four tracks that narrowly avoid each other when the paths cross and all the conductors scream at each other.