The teacher’s first graders were discussing a picture of a family. One little boy in the picture had a different hair color than the other members. One of her students suggested that he was adopted.

A little girl said, “I know all about adoption; I was adopted.”

“What does it mean to be adopted?”, asked another child

“It means”, said the girl, “that you grew in your mommy’s heart instead of her tummy!”

One Liner
A mother touches a whole generation by loving her own child well.

Tom tried to calm himself down in the middle of a severe argument with his wife Janey. He said to her, “Let us not fight any more. We should try to sort this out in a level-headed manner.”

Fuming with anger, Janey replied, “No. Whenever we try to sort things out in a level-headed manner, I lose!”

One Liner
What’s the greatest worldwide use of cowhide? To hold cows together.

A businessman had a tiring day on the road. He checked into a hotel and, because he was concerned that the restaurant might close soon, left his luggage at the front desk and went immediately to eat.

After a leisurely dinner, he reclaimed his luggage and realized that he had forgotten his room number. He went back to the desk and told the clerk on duty, “My name is Henry Davis, can you please tell me what room I am in?”

“Certainly,” said the clerk. “You’re in the lobby.”

One Liner
You didn’t drop that thing; you abandoned it to the unchecked forces of gravity.

An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. “You don’t want to try these techniques at home.”

“Why not?” asked somebody from the audience.

“I watched my wife’s routine at breakfast for years,” the expert explained.

“She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, ‘Hon, why don’t you try carrying several things at once?'”

“Did it save time?” the guy in the audience asked.

“Actually, yes,” replied the expert. “It used to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in seven.”

One Liner
Don’t worry about getting older, you’re still gonna do dumb stuff, just slower.

An explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon surveying his situation, he says quietly to himself, “I’m toast.”

A ray of light breaks forth from the sky and a voice booms out: “No, you are NOT toast. Pick up that stone in front of you and bash the head of the chief.”

So the explorer picks up the stone and proceeds to bash in the head of the chief. He is breathing heavily while standing above the sprawled out-chief.

Surrounding him are the 100 native warriors with a look of shock on their faces.

The voice booms out again: “Okay…NOW you’re toast!”

One Liner
Does anybody ever get seasick from eating sea salt?

TOP 7 SIGNS YOUR PASTOR NEEDS A VACATION

7. His first words to the congregation on Sunday morning are “All right, listen up you heathens…”

6. He falls asleep during his own sermon.

5. He shows up for Sunday service wearing Bermuda shorts and a tank top.

4. Every time his smartphone notifications ding, he shouts, “Why can’t they just leave me alone?!”

3. Announces baptismal services will be at the Grand Canyon.

2. You go to his office for counseling and pour your heart out to him and he says, “Sounds like a personal problem to me.”

1. For the past two months he has preached the same sermon every Sunday.

One Liner
It helps if you imagine auto correct as a little elf in your phone who’s trying to be helpful but is in fact quite drunk.

One day a man passed by a farm and saw a beautiful horse.

Hoping to buy the animal, he said to the farmer: “I think your horse looks pretty good, so I’ll give you $500 for him.”

“He doesn’t look good, and he’s not for sale,” the farmer said.

The man insisted, “I think he looks good and I’ll up the price to $1000!”

“He doesn’t look so good,” the farmer said, “but if you want him that much, he’s yours.”

The next day the man came back raging mad. He went up to the farmer and screamed, “You sold me a blind horse! You cheated me!”

The farmer calmly replied, “I told you he didn’t look so good, didn’t I?”

One Liner
This chef on TV just said, “Where there’s fat, there’s flavor.” I know he was talking about food, but I still took it as a compliment.