One beautiful Sunday morning, the pastor announced to the congregation:

“My good people, I have here in my hands four sermons…a $100 sermon that lasts five minutes; a $50 sermon that lasts fifteen minutes, a $10 sermon that lasts a full hour; and a coin sermon that lasts till noon.

“Now, we’ll take the collection to see which one you want.”

One Liner
My counselor says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. Ha! We’ll see about that!

THE TRUTH ABOUT CHILDREN

– A child will not spill on a dirty floor.

– A young child is a noise with dirt on it.

– An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

– Familiarity breeds children.

– Having children is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.

– If you have trouble getting your children’s attention, just sit down and look comfortable.

– It rarely occurs to teenagers that the day will come when they’ll know as little as their parents.

– Money isn’t everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.

– You can learn many things from children … like how much patience you have.

– Summer vacation is a time when parents realize that teachers are grossly underpaid.

One Liner
Most people drive far too fast to worry about cholesterol.

A lawyer dies in a car accident on his 40th birthday and finds himself greeted at the Pearly Gates by a brass band. Saint Peter runs over, shakes his hand and says “Congratulations!”

“Congratulations for what?” asks the lawyer.

“Congratulations for what?!?” says Saint Peter. “We’re celebrating the fact that you lived to be 160 years old.”

“But that’s not true,” says the lawyer. “I only lived to be forty.”

“That’s impossible,” says Saint Peter. “We’ve added up your time sheets.”

One Liner
I like to make lists. I also like to leaves lists on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list when I get to the store. Fun game.

“What’s your father’s occupation?” asked the school secretary on the first day of the new academic year.

“He’s a magician, Ma’am” said the new boy.

“How interesting. What’s his favorite trick?”

“He saws people in half.”

“Gosh! Now, next question. Any brothers or sisters?”

“One half brother and two half sisters.”

One Liner
I visited my new friend in his apartment. He told me to make myself at home. So, I threw him out. I hate visitors.

23RD PSALM FOR THE WORKPLACE

The Lord is my real boss and I shall not want.
He gives me peace, when chaos is all around me.
He gently reminds me to pray before I speak and to do all things without
murmuring and complaining.

He reminds me that He is my Source and not my job.
He restores my sanity every day and guides my decisions that I might honor
Him in everything I do.

Even though I face absurd amounts of emails, system crashes, unrealistic
deadlines, budget cutbacks, gossiping co-workers, discriminating
supervisors, and an aging body that doesn’t cooperate every morning, I
will not stop–for He is with me!

His presence, His peace, and His power will see me through.
He raises me up, even when they fail to promote me.
He claims me as His own, even when the company threatens to let me go.

His faithfulness and love are better than any bonus check.
His retirement plan beats every 401K there is.
When it’s all said and done, I’ll be working for Him a whole lot longer
and for that, I bless His Name.

One Liner
Pessimists complain about the wind. Optimists expect it to change. Realists adjust the sails.

One day at home the phone rings and Joe answers it. On the other end is a confused woman who asks, “Who is this?”

“This is Joe. With whom did you wish to speak with?”

After a pause the woman says, “Did you just say whom?”

“Yes, I did.”

“Then you’re definitely not my son!”

One Liner
I used to be a crastinator but then I decided to go pro.

A woman was shopping for a new dress to wear to her 30th year high school reunion where a bunch of teenage girls were also shopping for a dress for prom night.

“Eeeeewwwwwwww,” said one young girl, looking at the dress she was holding. “This dress makes me look like I’m 40!”

“Gimme that dress!” says the woman as she snatched the dress from the young girl’s hand. “That’s EXACTLY what I’m looking for!”

One Liner
I’m great at multi-tasking. I can listen, ignore, and forget all at once.