Clerk: “Should I have your pizza cut into six slices or twelve?”

Customer: “Six, please. I could never eat twelve slices.”

One Liner

So, is macaroni and cheese “mac” because it’s short for macaroni
or is it because “mac” is an acronym for macaroni and cheese?

After being away on business, Tim thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift. “How about some perfume?” he asked the cosmetics clerk. 

She showed him a bottle costing $50. 

“That’s a bit much,” said Tim, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30. 

“That’s still quite a bit,” Tim complained. 

Growing annoyed, the clerk brought out a tiny $15 bottle. 

“What I mean,” said Tim, “is I’d like to see something really cheap.” 

The clerk handed him a mirror.

One Liner

I taught my dog how to beg. Yesterday he came home with $14.37.

Four members of the clergy had a theological argument, with the three male ministers siding against the female minister. 

The woman prayed, “Lord, I know I’m right. Please send us a divine sign to prove it.” A big storm cloud materialized and there was a clap of thunder. 

“See,” said the woman. “It’s a sign from above.” The three clergymen disagreed, saying thunder is a common phenomenon.

“Dear Lord,” the woman prayed, “I need a bigger sign.” This time, a bolt of lightning slammed into a tree. 

“See! I told you I was right,” the woman said. But the men insisted nothing had happened that couldn’t be explained by natural causes.

“Help me, Lord,” the woman implored. And a deep voice came from the heavens: “SSSHHHEEE’S RRRIIIGGGHHHTTT!”

The woman turned to the three clergymen and asked, “Well?”

“Okay, okay,” they said. “Now it’s three against two.”

One Liner

First rule of cleaning while listening to music: The toilet brush is never a microphone…NEVER!

Two businessmen walk into a diner in the countryside. They have decided to stop there for lunch, so without ordering anything they sit down, take out sandwiches from their bags and begin to eat them.

The waiter sees this and says to them, “You can’t eat your own sandwiches in here!”

So the businessmen look at each other, shrug, and swap sandwiches.

One Liner

I keep adjusting the brightness control on my TV but it’s still as stupid as ever.

MURPHY’S TECHNOLOGY LAWS

~ Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence.

~ All’s well that ends.

~ A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept and the hours are lost.

~ New systems generate new problems.

~ The faster a computer is, the faster it will reach a crashed state.

~ The primary function of the design engineer is to make things difficult for the fabricator and impossible for the serviceman.

~ To spot the expert, pick the one who predicts the job will take the longest and cost the most.

~ After all is said and done, a lot more is said than done.

~ Work smarder and not harder and be careful of yor speling.

~ If it’s not in the computer, it doesn’t exist.

~ Any simple theory will be worded in the most complicated way.

~ Any attempt to print Murphy’s laws will jam the printer.

One Liner

I told my suitcases that there will be no vacation this year. Now I’m dealing with emotional baggage.

At the airport check-in counter I overheard a woman ask for window seats for both she and her husband.

The clerk pointed out that this would prevent them for sitting together.

“Sweetie,” the woman replied, “I’ve just spent 10 days of quality time in a compact rental car with this man. I KNOW what I’m requesting!”

One Liner

A teacher’s worst nightmare…tying a wet shoelace when it hasn’t been raining.

Old Mr. Smith, the school’s principal, made it a practice to visit the classrooms one day a week. 

He walked into the 4th grade class, where the children were studying the states, and asked them how many states they could name. They came up with about 40 names. Mr. Smith jokingly told them that in his day students knew the names of all the states.

Little Johnny raised his hand and said, “Yes sir, but in those days there were only 13 states.”

One Liner

What was the most popular dance in 1776? IndepenDANCE