The morning of the big parade, a man and a little boy entered a barber shop together. “Give me the full treatment,” the man said. “I want to look good in the parade!”

After the man received a shave, manicure, and haircut, he placed the boy in the chair. “I’m going to buy a new tie to wear for the parade,” he said. “I’ll be back in a few minutes.”

When the boy’s haircut was done and the man still hadn’t returned, the barber said, “It looks like your daddy forgot all about you.”

“That wasn’t my daddy,” said the boy. “He just walked up, took me by the hand and said, “Come on, son, we’re gonna get a free haircut!”

One Liner

When it comes to telling her age, she’s shy…about 10 years shy.

A mom was driving her 5-year-old son to McDonald’s one day and they passed a car accident. Whenever the mom saw something like that, she would always say a prayer for those who might be hurt, so she pointed and said to her son, “We should pray.”

From the back seat, she heard his earnest request: “Please, God, don’t let those cars block the entrance to McDonald’s.”

One Liner

Etc.: An abbreviation to make others think you know more than you actually do.

A grandmother sent her grandson a shirt for his birthday. The only trouble was that he had a size 14 neck and the shirt was size 12.

When the grandson sent a thank you note, he wrote, “Dear Grandma. Thanks a lot for the shirt. I’d write more, but I’m all choked up.”

One Liner

Don’t let anyone treat you like free salsa. You’re guacamole!

Driving to a new restaurant, a woman took several wrong turns. When she finally found the right road, she asked her husband, “Why didn’t you tell me I was lost?”

“I thought you knew where you were going,” he replied. “You always know where you’re going when I’m driving.”

One Liner

As long as I live, I will never forget what’s-her-name.

The day I immigrated to the United States, I was given an alien ID card that featured a cute photo of me at age 15. Years later, when I went to the courthouse to become a citizen, a clerk confiscated my card.

“What will you do with it?” my wife asked.

“We burn it,” was the answer.

“Could you please cut the photo off and let us keep it?” asked my wife.

“Certainly not,” said the clerk. “This card is official U.S. government property. As such it cannot be mutilated before it’s destroyed.”

One Liner

Fish bite twice a day … before you get there and after you leave.

The salesman at the furniture store told me, “This sofa will seat 5 people without any problems.”

I said, “And just where am I going to find 5 people without any problems???

One Liner

He knew everything, but that’s all.