A man came into the pharmacy and said to the technician, “Do you have anything that will stop hiccups?”
The tech leaned over the counter and slapped the man’s face.
The man said “What did you do that for?”
The tech replied, “Well, you don’t have any hiccups now, do you?”
The man replied, “I never did. I came in for my wife out in the car.”
One Liner
I was told that 70% of the population is stupid. I’m obviously with the other 40%.
Miss Jones had been giving her second-grade students a lesson on science. She had explained about magnets and showed how they would pick up nails and other bits of iron.
Now it was question time, and she asked, “My name begins with the letter ‘M’ and I pick up things. What am I?”
Little Johnny in the front row proudly said, “You’re a mother!”
One Liner
Adam and Eve must have had a great marriage. Adam couldn’t talk about his Mother’s cooking, and Eve couldn’t mention all the men she could have married.
SO PUNNY
Ratio of an igloo’s circumference to its diameter: Eskimo Pi
2000 pounds of Chinese soup: Won ton
Weight an evangelist carries with God: 1 billigram
Half of a large intestine: 1 semicolon
1000 aches: 1 kilohurtz
Basic unit of laryngitis: 1 hoarsepower
1 million microphones: 1 megaphone
2000 mockingbirds: two kilomockingbirds
52 cards: 1 decacards
3.45 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital: 1 I.V. League
One Liner
You can walk around Walmart and eat grapes and nobody bothers you, but as soon as you eat a rotisserie chicken, here comes security.
Johnny asked his friend, Tony, whether he had bought his wife a gift for Valentine’s Day.
“Yes, I bought her a belt and a bag,” replied Tony.
“That was very kind of you,” Johnny added, “I hope she appreciated the thought.”
Tony smiled as he replied, “So do I, and hopefully the vacuum cleaner will work better now.”
One Liner
Love may not make the world go ’round, but it certainly makes a lot of people dizzy.
“But he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was on him, and by his wounds we are healed.” Isaiah 53:5
We enter into this weekend remembering the pain and suffering of the cross, and all that Jesus endured so we could be set free. He paid the price to offer us the gift of eternal life.
Let us never take for granted this sacrificial gift of love on our behalf. Forgive us for being too busy, or distracted by other things, to not fully recognize what He freely gave for us. It is by your wounds we are healed.
Sin and death have been conquered.
And eternal life is ours forever!
Thank you Jesus!
The minister’s little six-year-old girl had been so naughty during the week, that her mother decided to give her the worst kind of punishment. She told her she couldn’t go to the Sunday School Picnic on Saturday.
Then, when the day came, her mother felt she had been too harsh and changed her mind. When she told the little girl she could go to the picnic, the child’s reaction was one of gloom and unhappiness.
“What’s the matter? I thought you’d be glad to go to the picnic.” her mother said.
“It’s too late!” the little girl said. “I’ve already prayed for rain!”
One Liner
Kids only want high-technology toys nowadays. My niece has an imaginary playmate that requires batteries.
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. ‘My dog’s cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?’
‘Well,’ says the vet, ‘let’s have a look at him.’
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says ‘I’m going to have to put him down.’
‘What? Because he’s cross-eyed?’
‘No, because he’s heavy.’
One Liner
I’ve gotten to the age where I need my false teeth and hearing aid before I can ask where I left my glasses.
A guy hears a knock at the door.
He opens it up to find a snail. He picks up the snail and throws it across the street.
Five years go by.
One day he hears a knock on the door and opens it to see a snail.
The snail says, “What the heck was that about?!”
One Liner
I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia.
mikeshumor 