NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTIONS

2019: I will get my weight down below 180 pounds.

2020: I will follow my new diet religiously until I get below 200 pounds.

2021: I will develop a realistic attitude about my weight.

2022: I will work out 3 days a week.

2023: I will try to drive past a gym at least once a week.

One Liner

Someone ripped the 5th month out my new 2022 calendar! I’m dismayed!

15 EXERCISES WE’D BE BETTER OFF WITHOUT IN 2023…

~ Jumping on the bandwagon

~ Running around in circles

~ Pushing your luck

~ Playing in traffic 

~ Spinning your wheels

~ Adding fuel to the fire

~ Beating your head against the wall

~ Climbing the walls

~ Beating your own drum

~ Dragging your heels

~ Jumping to conclusions

~ Grasping at straws

~ Fishing for compliments

~ Throwing your weight around

~ Passing the buck

One Liner

My goal for 2023 is to accomplish the goals of 2022 which I should have done in 2021 because I made a promise in 2020 and planned in 2019.

A member of our church choir arrives every Sunday morning with her seven children in tow, all a bit rumpled but never the less on time.

Scarcely able to get my one child ready, I asked her how she managed her brood so efficiently.

“Easy,” she replied with a smile. “I dress them the night before.”

One Liner

Don’t forget to turn your clocks back. I’m turning mine back to when I was 20.

A man in Chicago calls his son in New York the day before Christmas and says,”I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.

“Pop, what are you talking about?” the son screams. We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” the father says. “We’re sick of each other, and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Dallas and tell her.”

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “Like heck they’re getting divorced,” she shouts, “I’ll take care of this,”

She calls Chicago immediately, and screams at her father, “You are NOT getting divorced. Don’t do a single thing until I get there. I’m calling my brother back, and we’ll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don’t do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. “Okay, honey,” he says, “they’re coming for Christmas and paying their own way.”

One Liner

What Christmas treat is the most popular at the kids’ table? Crayon-berry sauce.

A customer sent an order to a distributor for a large amount of goods totaling a great deal of money.

The distributor noticed that the previous bill hadn’t been paid. The collections manager left a voice-mail for them saying, “We can’t ship your new order until you pay for the last one.”

The next day the collections manager received a phone call, “Please cancel the order. We can’t wait that long.”

One Liner

Why is it called an automobile when you have to drive it?

My nine-year-old son, Gabriel, had heard some rumours at school that Santa wasn’t real. He approached me with a big question: “Dad, tell me the truth. Is Santa real?”

I decided to tell him it was us who had bought his latest Nintendo Wii game.

“Really?” he said. “You should have let Santa bring it. That way, it would have been free.” 

One Liner

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite!

My husband took our two sons, six-year-old Devin and four-year-old Chase, to a party where Santa would be handing out gifts. The instructions from the organizers were to bring our own gifts, so I brought beach towels with the kids’ names printed on them.

Upon arriving, Devin said he couldn’t believe the skinny Santa was actually Santa. His doubt turned to belief when he opened his gift.

“He has to be the real Santa!” he said. “How else would he know my name?” —

One Liner

What do you get if you cross Santa with a duck? A Christmas Quacker!