An older man is on the operating table awaiting surgery. He has insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. He is about to receive the anesthesia when he asks to speak to his son.

“Yes, Dad, what is it?”

“Don’t be nervous, do your best, and just remember, if it doesn’t go well, if something happens to me, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife.”

>>>Today’s Thot

Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.

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One day my mother was out and my dad was looking after me.

I was maybe 2 1/2 years old and had just recovered from a bad cold. Someone had given me a little tea set as a get-well gift and it was one of my favorite toys.

Dad was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought Daddy a little cup of “tea,” which was just water.  After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such good tea, my mom came home.

Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea. (“It’s just the cutest thing!”) My mom waited and sure enough, I came down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy. She watched him drink it, then said (as only a mother would)…”Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is from the toilet?”

One Liner
On HGTV, people can flip a whole house in a month. Meanwhile, I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for a week now.

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A little girl was watching her daddy repair his tractor.

She asked her mother, “What happens to old tractors when they finally stop working?”

Sighing, her mother answered: “Someone sells them to your father, dear.”

One Liner
My granddad always said, “When one door closes, another door opens.” Lovely man. Terrible cabinet maker.

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What’s inside?
+ A high-converting storefront that’s branded to you
+ A funnel built to CONVERT, & nurture cold leads and close them
 + Automated lead-gen tools (like comment triggers + follow-ups)

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Him: “Since Mr. Wilson has lost his money, half his friends don’t know him anymore.”

Her: “And the other half?”

Him: “They don’t know yet that he’s lost his money.”

One Liner
It’s my first week working at the bicycle factory and they already made me a spokesperson.

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After the fall in Garden of Eden, Adam was walking with his sons Cain and
Abel.

As they passed by the ruins of the Garden of Eden, one of the boys asked,
“Father, what’s that?”

Adam replied, “Boys, that’s where your mother ate us out of house and home.”

One Liner
Microchips: What’s left at the bottom of the bag.

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A little boy wanted to meet God. He knew it was a long trip to where God lived, so he packed his suitcase with Twinkies and a six-pack of Root Beer and he started his journey.

When he had gone about three blocks, he met an old man. He was sitting in the park just staring at some pigeons. The boy sat down next to him and opened his suitcase. He was about to take a drink from his root beer when he noticed that the old man looked hungry, so he offered him a Twinkie.

He gratefully accepted it and smiled at him. His smile was so pleasant that the boy wanted to see it again, so he offered him a root beer.

Again, he smiled at him. The boy was delighted! They sat there all afternoon eating and smiling, but they never said a word.

As it grew dark, the boy realized how tired he was and he got up to leave, but before he had gone more than a few steps, he turned around, ran back to the old man, and gave him a hug. He gave him his biggest smile ever.

When the boy opened the door to his own house a short time later, his mother was surprised by the look of joy on his face. She asked him, “What did you do today that made you so happy? “He replied, “I had lunch with God.” But before his mother could respond, he added, “You know what? God’s got the most beautiful smile I’ve ever seen!”

Meanwhile, the old man, also radiant with joy, returned to his home. His son was stunned by the look of peace on his face and he asked,” Dad, what did you do today that made you so happy?” He replied, “I ate Twinkies in the park with God.” However, before his son responded, he added,” You know, he’s much younger than I expected.”

One Liner
Compliment people. Magnify their strengths, not their weaknesses.

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Tech support people like me spend our days on the phone with customers. Many like to chat while waiting for their computers to reboot. One man told me he’d been a long-haul truck driver.

I’d love to drive a big rig,” I said, “but I’d worry about falling asleep at the wheel.”

“Here’s a tip to stay awake,” he offered. “Put a $100 bill in your left hand and hold it out the window.”

One Liner
If I had a dollar for every time I didn’t know what was going on, I’d be like, “Why am I always getting all this money?”

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