The teacher was helping one of her kindergarten students put on his cowboy boots. He asked for help and she could see why. Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still didn’t want to go on. Finally, when the second boot was on, she had worked up a sweat. She almost cried when the little boy said, “Teacher, they’re on the wrong feet.” 

She looked and sure enough, they were. It wasn’t any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the right feet. 

He then announced, “These aren’t my boots.” 

She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, “Why didn’t you say so?” like she wanted to. And once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet. 

No sooner than they got the boots off he said, “They’re my brother’s boots. My Mom made me wear ’em.” 

Now she didn’t know if she should laugh or cry, but she mustered up the grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again. 

Helping him into his coat, she asked, “Now, where are your mittens?” 

He said, “I stuffed ’em in the toes of my boots.”

One Liner

A good way to lose weight: Put the scale in front of the refrigerator.

A mom and her children watched a PBS special showing the birth of a baby. One fascinated child asked, “Mom, does that hurt?”

“Oh, yes, it does,” she said, remembering her difficult deliveries.

“Wow,” said the kid. “Does it hurt the mother, too?” 

[forwarded by Gretchen Patti]

One Liner

I started with nothing, and I have most of it left.

The efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution: “You do not want to try these techniques at home!” 

“Why not?” asked a man from the audience. 

“After years of not paying attention, I suddenly noticed my wife’s routine at breakfast,” the expert explained. “She made lots of trips to the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets; often she carried just a single item at a time. So I asked her, ‘Hon, why don’t you try carrying several things at once? It’d be much more efficient.'” 

“Well, did your suggestions save much time?” the attendee asked. 

“Actually, yes,” the efficiency expert responded. “It used to take her twenty minutes to get breakfast ready. Now I do it in seven.”

One Liner

Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

My mother is a cleaning fanatic.

One Saturday she told me and my brother to get down to the playroom and straighten it up.  We had a party there the previous evening, and she was none too happy about the mess.

As she watched us work, it was clear that Mom was completely dissatisfied with our cleaning efforts and let us know it.

Finally my brother, exasperated with having to do it all over, reached for a broom and asked Mom, “Can I use this, or were you planning to go somewhere?”

One Liner

Do you ever get up in the morning, look in the mirror and think, “That can’t be accurate.”

Useful words that ought to exist:

1) Begathon – Fundraising drive on public television or radio.
2) Cheedle – Residue on your fingers after eating CheetosŪ.
3) Crummox – Cereal bits in the bottom of the bag.
4) Fenderberg – Deposits of snow and ice that accumulate around your tires under the fender.
5) Flopcorn – Unpopped kernels at the bottom of the microwave bag.

One Liner

Luge is the only sport where you can die during the event and still win. 

The owner of a company tells his employees, “You worked very hard this year, therefore the company’s profits increased dramatically. As a reward, I’m giving everyone a check for $5,000!”

Thrilled, the employees gather round and high five one another.

“And if you work with the same zeal next year, I’ll sign those checks!”

One Liner

Life, unlike Algebra, does not have the answers to the odd problems in the back of the book.

A man went to his doctor and said, “Help me, doctor. I think my eyesight is getting worse.”

The doctor asked the man to look out the window. “Tell me what you see,” he said, pointing.

“I see the sun,” the man replied.

The doctor turned to him and asked, “Just how much farther do you want to see?”

One Liner

I thought getting old would take longer.

A group of Americans were touring Holland by bus.  They stopped at a cheese farm where a young guide led them through the process of making cheese from goat’s milk.  She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing.

“These,” she explained, “are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce.”  She then asked, “What do you do in America with your old goats?” 

A spry old gentleman answered: “They send us on bus tours!”

One Liner

I want to be 14 again and ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.