The mother of a large family was explaining why she dresses her children alike, right down to the youngest baby. 

“When we had just four children, I dressed them alike so we wouldn’t lose any of them.” 

“Now,” she added, looking around at her brood of nine, “I dress them alike so we won’t pick up any that don’t belong to us.” 

One Liner
It pays to buy things you dislike; they last much longer.

While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up with an Amish carriage. 

The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand-printed sign: “Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step in exhaust.”

One Liner
A harp is just a piano with no clothes on.

Four priests in New York went golfing wearing typical “golfer” outfits.  After a while, their caddy asked, “You guys wouldn’t be priests by any chance?”

“Actually, yes, we are,” one cleric replied. “How did you know?”

Easy,” said the caddy. “I’ve never seen such bad golf and such clean language.”

One Liner
Time may be a great healer, but it’s a lousy beautician.

The tech support problem dates back to long before the industrial revolution, when primitive tribesmen beat out a rhythm on drums to communicate:

This “Fire Help.” Me Groog.

Me Lorto. Help. Fire not work.

You have flint and stone?

Ugh.

You hit them together?

Ugh.

What happen?

Fire not work.

(sigh) Make spark?

No spark, no fire, me confused. Fire work yesterday.

*sigh* You change rock?

I change nothing.

You sure?

Me make one change. Stone hot so me soak in stream so stone not burn Lorto hand. Small change, shouldn’t keep Lorto from make fire.

*Grabs club and goes to Lorto’s cave*

One Liner
Until you walk a mile in another man’s moccasins, you can’t imagine the smell.

Nurse: Doctor, doctor! The man you’ve just treated collapsed on the front step! What should I do?

Doctor: Turn him around so it looks like he was just arriving!

One Liner
I have a speech impediment … my foot.

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon. Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

– The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
– The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
– The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
– The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the minister reported the following results:

– The first worm in alcohol – Dead.
– The second worm in cigarette smoke – Dead.
– Third worm in chocolate syrup – Dead.
– Fourth worm in good clean soil – Alive.

Just then a little old woman in the back quickly raised her hand and said, “I get it! As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won’t have worms!”

One Liner
Are children ever ruly?