The young boy was spending a Sunday afternoon with his grandpa. Looking at pictures of his grandpa in his military uniform, the boy asked, “Grandpa, did you ever kill anyone in the war?”

“No champ, I never did.”

“That’s a good thing.”

“You’re telling me,” began grandpa, “I was the cook!”

One Liner
All food is “Fat-Free” if you don’t eat it.

A salesman was going door to door trying to sell his wares. As he walked up to the next house, he noticed a small boy sitting on the front steps.

“Is your mother home?” the salesman asked the small boy.

“Yeah, she’s home,” the boy said, scooting over to let him past.

The salesman rang the doorbell, got no response, knocked once, then again. Still no one came to the door. Turning to the boy, the fellow said, “I thought you said your mother was home!?”

The kid replied, “She is; but this isn’t where I live.”

One Liner
Funny sign seen …. from a septic tank cleaning service:
We’re the #1 company for the #2 business!

“This house,” said the real estate salesman, “has both its good points and its bad points. To show you I’m honest, I’m going to tell you about both.

The disadvantages are that there is a chemical plant one block south and a slaughterhouse a block north.”

“What are the advantages?” inquired the prospective buyer.

“The advantage is that you can always tell which way the wind is blowing.”

One Liner
Studies have shown that cows produce more milk when the farmer talks to them. It’s a case of in one ear and out the udder.

Of course, our Chinese New Year dinner was all Chinese food, including fortune cookies. I had 2 cookies.  

The message in the first cookie was:

“You inspire others with your principles.”

And, in case I became too inflated with myself, the second one was:

“Improve yourself. Practice makes perfect.”

Humbled for another year!

One Liner
It doesn’t matter what temperature the room is, it’s always room temperature.

Patient: “Doctor, doctor!  I keep seeing spots before my eyes!”

Doctor: “Have you seen an ophthalmologist?”

Patient: “No, just spots.”

One Liner
Why is it when I eat a 2 oz chocolate bar, I always gain a pound…but when I choose NOT to eat the same bar, I don’t lose a pound??? 

Upon going away to college, my former brother-in-law received a hand mixer from his mother because of his fondness for mashed potatoes. Later that semester, she asked him how the mixer was working for him. “Not very good,” Terry said, “the potatoes keep flying all over the kitchen.” 

After a perplexed pause, his mother asked, “Terry, did you cook the potatoes first?” 

To which a surprised Terry responded, “You have to cook the potatoes first?” 

One Liner
What do you do with a sick chemist?
If you can’t helium and if you can curium, then you might as well barium!

At a wedding ceremony that I was performing, I raised my hand to give the final blessing. 

The bride misunderstood my gesture and surprised me with a high-five. 

Not wanting to exclude the groom, I offered him a high-five, too. 

I was finally able to get my blessing in, amid the laughter of the guests. 

One Liner
Redneck murders are harder to solve. All the DNA  matches and there are no dental records.

While being transported to basic training as a new enlistee of the Air National Guard, I accidentally opened a parachute in the rear of the C-47. The plane was piloted by a major and a captain, and I felt intimidated as I opened the cockpit door to confess what I had done. 

Expecting to be severely chastised, I was surprised by the captain’s calm response. “Well, son,” he said, “if this plane goes down, that chute is yours.” 

One Liner
I would like to grow some herbs. I just can’t find the THYME!