A kindly 90-year-old grandmother found buying presents for family and friends a bit much one Christmas, so she wrote out checks for all of them to put in their Christmas cards.
In each card she wrote, “Buy your own present” and then sent them off.
After the Christmas festivities were over, she found the checks in her desk.
One Liner
Unbeknownst to Bible scholars, there was a fourth wise man who was thrown out of the house for bringing fruitcake.
All the grand kids were visiting for Christmas. Before dinner, Grandma made a lengthy speech about being thankful for her extra-special blessings, her four grandchildren.
Two seconds after she stopped speaking, chaos ensued and the kids were yelling and grabbing for the homemade rolls. Grandma sat there, eyes closed with a tight squint on her face.
When asked what was the matter, she replied, “I’m just praying for a little patience to handle all these blessings.”
One Liner
Who needs Santa, when there is grandma?
Admiring the Christmas trees displayed in his neighbor’s windows, a child asks his father, “Daddy, can we have a Hanukkah Tree?”
“What? No, of course not,” says his father.
“Why not?” asks the child.
Bewildered, his father replies, “Because the last time we had dealings with a lighted bush, we spent 40 years in the wilderness.”
One Liner
Dear Santa, Before I try to explain myself, how much do you already know?
A man is visiting his adult children to celebrate Christmas. When he walks into the house, he sees a beautiful nativity set.
His granddaughter walks up to him, and he asks her if she knows what it is.
She replies, “Yes, it’s breakable.”
One Liner
Christmas is weird. What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?
As we were putting out cookies for Santa on Christmas Eve, I accidentally dropped one. “No problem,” I said, picking it up and dusting it off before placing it back on the plate.
“You can’t do that,” argued my four-year-old.
“Don’t worry. Santa will never know.”
He shot me a look. “So he knows if I’ve been bad or good, but he doesn’t know if you dropped a cookie on the floor?”
One Liner
Why do seagulls fly over the ocean?
Because if they flew over the bay, we’d call them bagels!
Son: I watched a guy do 50 push-ups in a row. Can you do that, Dad?
Dad: Of course, son. I could probably even watch someone do 100 push ups.
One Liner
My dog will eat anything…until you put a pill in it. Then he’s Gordon Ramsey.
A man is visiting his adult children to celebrate Christmas. When he walks into the house, he sees a beautiful nativity set.
His granddaughter walks up to him, and he asks her if she knows what it is.
She replies, “Yes, it’s breakable.”
One Liner
Christmas is weird. What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?
Top 10 Things To Say About A Holiday Gift You Don’t Like
10. Hey! There’s a gift.
9. Well, well, well…
8. Boy, if I had not recently shot up 4 sizes, that would’ve fit.
7. Perfect for wearing in the basement.
6. Wow, I hope this never catches fire!
5. If the dog buries it, I’ll be furious!
4. I love it, but I fear the jealousy it will inspire.
3. Sadly, tomorrow I enter the federal witness protection program.
2. To think I got this the year I vowed to give all my gifts to charity.
1. I really don’t deserve this.
One Liner
Judging by my December budget, I’ll only be giving hugs for Christmas.
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