“Ohio”

Apparently I tend to brag too much about my home state of Ohio.

One day I told a long-suffering friend, “You know, the first man in powered flight was from Ohio. The first man to orbit the earth was from Ohio. And the first man on the moon was from Ohio.”

“Sounds like a lot of people are trying to get out of Ohio,” he observed.

One LINER
Bacteria: They’re the only culture some people have.

Thought for the day
1 Corinthians 10:31, “When you eat or drink or do anything else, always do it to honor God” (CEV). Everything can be done to honor God. By doing it with the right motive: gratitude. You want your life to bring honor to God, so your goals should help you be the best you can be for God’s glory.

FUN THINGS TO DO ON AN ELEVATOR WHILE BORED

~ When there’s only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn’t you.

~ Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.

~ Swat at flies that don’t exist.

~ Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask, “Got enough air in there?”

~ Lay down a Twister mat and ask people if they’d like to play.

~ Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the wrong ones.

~ Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers.

~ Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.

~ Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers, “This is my personal space!”

~ Hold the doors open and say you’re waiting for your friend. After a while, let the doors close and say, “Hi Greg. How’s your day been?”

~ Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce in horror, “You’re one of THEM!” and back away slowly.

One LINER
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Thought for the day 
“He has shaped each person in turn; now he watches everything we do” (Psalm 33:15 MSG).

You don’t bring glory or pleasure to God by hiding your abilities or by trying to be someone else. You only bring him enjoyment by being you.

After being away on business, Tim thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift. “How about some perfume?” he asked the cosmetics clerk.

She showed him a bottle costing $50.

“That’s a bit much,” said Tim, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.

“That’s still quite a bit,” Tim complained.

Growing annoyed, the clerk brought out a tiny $15 bottle.

“What I mean,” said Tim, “is I’d like to see something really cheap.”

The clerk handed him a mirror.

One LINER
A narrow mind and a wide mouth usually go together.

Thought for the day
Romans 5:3-4
We also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope.

I remember the old Corrie ten Boom line, “Thank God for the fleas.” The fleas kept the German soldiers out of the barracks in the concentration camp where she was imprisoned. This allowed her to minister and visit with those who were being persecuted. There she could show and share Jesus.

Tow Request
The minister’s car wouldn’t start and so he called the garage to come and tow it in for repairs. When the truck driver appeared at his house to get the car, the minister says, “I hope you go easy on me. You know I’m only a poor preacher.”

“I know,” replied the tow truck driver… “I’ve heard you preach.”

One LINER
“It is bad to suppress laughter; it goes back down and spreads to your hips.”

Thought for the day
Proverbs 22:24 says, “Do not make friends with a hot-tempered person, do not associate with one easily angered” (NIV).

Do you know why? Because uncontrolled anger reveals deep insecurity and low self-worth.

Dog Employee

A salesman dropped in to see a business customer. Not a soul was in the office except a big dog emptying wastebaskets. The salesman stared at the animal, wondering if his imagination could be playing tricks on him. The dog looked up and said, “Don’t be alarmed. This is just part of my job.”

“Incredible!” exclaimed the man. “I can’t believe it! Does your boss know what a prize he has in you? An animal that can talk!”

“No, no,” pleaded the dog. “Please don’t! If that man finds out I can talk, he’ll make me answer the phone, too!”

One Liner
“A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.”

Thought for the day
Do not be interested only in your own life, but be interested in the lives of others” (Philippians 2:4 NCV).

The starting point of building great friendships is investing your time and energy. Deep friendships are not accidental. They are not instant. And they are not cheap.

Golf Lesson

This fellow’s wife was constantly nagging him to teach her to play golf.

Finally, one morning he relented and off they went. The first hole was a par 3, 179 yards, and very pretty. The husband stepped up first and said, “Now watch me, and do the same thing.” He hit a beautiful shot and landed on the green with about 30 feet to the cup.

The wife stepped up, drilled her ball, causing it to hook, ricochet off a tree, bounce off a rock and roll up onto the green – dropping into the cup.

The husband looked at this, and said, “OK, now you know how to play, let’s go home.”

One Liner
“Okay, I have a million awesome clip art images. Now what?”

Thought for the day
Cornelius’ family in the book of Acts: “He and all his family were devout and God-fearing; he gave generously to those in need and prayed to God regularly” (Acts 10:2 NIV).

What a great legacy! Wouldn’t you like to have people writing that about you and your family one day?

The Front Pew
An elderly woman walked into the local country church. The friendly usher greeted her at the door and helped her up the flight of steps.

“Where would you like to sit?” he asked politely.
“The front row please,” she answered.
“You really don’t want to do that,” the usher said. “The pastor is really boring.”
“Do you happen to know who I am?” the woman inquired.
“No,” he said.

“I’m the pastor’s mother,” she replied indignantly.
“Do you know who I am?” he asked.
“No,” she said.
“Good,” he answered, “Let me show you the front pew.”

One Liner
“In those times I can’t seem to find God, I rest in the assurance He knows how to find me.”

Thought for the day
Let us think about each other and help each other to show love and do good deeds” (Hebrews 10:24 NCV).

Awesome families teach their kids that they’re not the center of the universe. They teach their kids that God made them and shaped them for a mission.

Not real smart!

Early this year, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home.

Shortly after they took it for a float on the river, they noticed a Coast Guard helicopter coming towards them.

It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator beacon that activated when the raft was inflated. They are no longer employed at Boeing.

One LINER
Reason Eve was created ….. God knew that Adam would never be able to make a doctor’s, dentist or haircut appointment for himself.

Thought for the day
“Jesus grew in wisdom and stature, and in favor with God and man” (Luke 2:52 NIV).

Awesome families encourage growth. They create an atmosphere of lifelong learning. They help each other develop. They encourage the discovery of each person’s spiritual gifts and abilities.