A man went to his dentist because he feels something wrong in his mouth. The dentist examines him and says, “That new upper plate I put in for you six months ago is eroding. What have you been eating?”

The man replies, “all I can think of is that about four months ago my wife made some asparagus and put some stuff on it that was delicious…Hollandaise sauce. I loved it so much I now put it on everything — meat, toast, fish, vegetables.

“Well,” says the dentist, “that’s probably the problem. Hollandaise sauce is made with lots of lemon juice, which is highly corrosive. It’s eaten away your upper plate. I’ll make you a new plate, and this time use chrome.”

“Why chrome?” asks the patient.

To which the dentist replies, “It’s simple. Everyone knows that there’s no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise.”

One Liner

Christmas is a holiday during which neither the past nor the future is of as much interest as the present.

A lawyer was reading out the will of a rich man to the people mentioned in the will:

“To you, my loving wife Rose, who stood by me in rough times, as well as good, I leave her the house and $2 million.”

The lawyer continued, “To my daughter Jessica, who looked after me in sickness and kept the business going, I leave her the yacht, the business and $1 million.”

The lawyer concluded, “And, to my cousin Dan, who hated me, argued with me, and thought that I would never mention him in my will – well you were wrong…

Hi Dan!”

One Liner

My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down. Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.

The student asked the professor how many problems there would be on the final exam.

The professor looked the student over and replied, “I think you will have lots of problems on the final.”

One Liner

My friend was explaining electricity and I was like “Watt??”

A hunting party is hopelessly lost. “I thought you said you were the best guide in Maine!” one of the hunters angrily said to their confused leader.

“I am, “replied the guide. “But I think we’re in Canada now.”

One Liner

The nurse came in and said “Doc, there’s a man in the waiting room who thinks he’s invisible.” The doctor said, “Tell him I can’t see him today.”

My husband works as a service technician for a large exterminating company.  

One of the rules of the company is that he has to confirm each appointment by phone the night before his service call to that household.

One evening he made such a call, and when a man answered the phone, he said, “Hi, this is Gary from A to Z Pest Control Company. Your wife phoned us.”  

There was a long silence, and then my husband heard the man on the other end say, “Honey, it’s for you….someone wants to talk to you about your relatives.”  

One Liner

If you don’t know where you’re going, you’re never lost.

A high school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a setsquare, and a calculator.  
Authorities charged him with carrying weapons of math instruction.

One Liner

Whenever I’m with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”

Top 5 signs that gasoline has gotten way too expensive:

1. A gas station is offering a free car with every fill up.

2. Any purchase over a gallon requires a credit check.

3. Price is now in gold bullion.

4. Texaco now offering monthly payment plans.

5. You’re excited to find gas at under $5 a half cup.

One Liner

You know you’ve reached middle age when you when you’re cautioned to slow down by your doctor, instead of by the police.

“So tell me, Mrs. Farris,” asked the interviewer, “have you any other skills you think might be worth mentioning?”

“Actually, yes,” said the applicant modestly. “Last year I had two short stories published in national magazines, and I finished my novel.”

“Very impressive,” he commented, “but I was thinking of skills you could apply during office hours.”

Mrs. Smith explained brightly, “Oh, that was during office hours.”

One Liner

Paranoia has reached absurd stages…this morning I sneezed in front of my computer and the anti-virus program started running a scan on its own.